You know it's a "no frills" airline when

- they don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

- all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

- before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

- you cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

- before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

- the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

- the Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

- you ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

- no movie. Not needed. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

- you see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

- all the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons . . . After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign, which read: "Now there are two!"

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

Searching for lost relatives? Win the lottery!

Every family tree has some sap in it.

Genealogy: A haystack full of needles. It's the threads I need.

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools.

I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll discuss it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."

"Yes, my son, and they WALKED every where they went!"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through Automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

On Judgment Day, God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for men who took charge of their women on earth and the other Line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of men who were dominated by their women was 10,000 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women, there was only one man. God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" "Tell me my son, how did you manage to be the only man in this line?" And the guy replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

An American carpenter goes to Australia and likes it so much, he decides to stay. He finds a nice property in the suburbs of Sydney, purchases it and then goes to the lumber company to buy supplies.

"I needs some two by fours," he tells the clerk.

"Sorry, mate, we only have four by twos."

"Oh, that's OK," says the carpenter. "I can turn them sideways."

"Good idea," the clerk smiles back. "So, how long do you want them?"

"Oh, for quite a while. I'm building a house."

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!

A friend of mine works in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse resuscitation?"

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane tick for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He looked at the map, and then walked across the bridge.

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man."

So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."

In dire need of a beauty makeover, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model.

I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.

I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.

It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

She had been seeing the psychoanalyst for years, pouring out her heart to him twice a week. However, she was making no progress, and the doctor didn't believe she ever would.

"Mrs. Johnson," he said at the end of one session, "do you think these visits are doing you any good?"

"Not really," she said. "My inferiority complex is as strong as ever."

"Ah, Mrs. Johnson," the doctor said, "I have something to tell you. You don't have an inferiority complex. You are, in fact, inferior."

The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.

"Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while."

"WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better?"

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "I reckon," said the second hick. The First hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.

They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.

The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ."

The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to this feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

There is a new kid on the sports desk of the college newspaper staff. Wanting to make a name for himself right away, he tells the sports editor he wants to do a story on what it's really like to play football. He'll put on the pads, strap on the helmet, actually practice with the team and then write about it.

The sports editor is a bit skeptical, but says he'll talk to the football coach. To his surprise, the coach gives it the okay. The coach gives the sportswriter one play to learn. He'll be the fullback who has to block on a running play. To make sure the kid doesn't get maimed, the coach has kindly inserted the second string linebacker, the player the "fullback" will block.

The new kid is full of enthusiasm and is absolutely fearless. The second-string linebacker, however, is equally fearless and quite a bit bigger. He also figures putting this "fullback" in sportswriter heaven might get him more playing time and he has his mind made up to do his best to decapitate the sportswriter.

After some warm-up drills, the team runs some plays. Finally, it's the writer's turn. The ball is snapped, the sportswriter heads toward the linebacker full speed. Right at the instant that the linebacker launches himself toward the sportswriter, the element of fear enters the sportswriter's brain. Instead of hitting the linebacker with his pads chest-high, his knees buckle and he falls at the linebacker's feet. He hits just enough of the linebacker's legs that, combined with the linebacker's inertia, the linebacker flips completely over and lands awkwardly. The team doctor rushes on to the field. Within minutes comes the diagnosis: separated shoulder, and with a month left in the season, his season is over.

Back at the newspaper office, the photographer spreads the word: the new kid blocked a linebacker so hard that he's out for the season. The new kid is a hero. The photographer has captured the event on film and the sports editor realizes he's got a good package.

The sportswriter has a couple days until his story is to run. The day before it is due, the sports editor asks for a preview, but is told the story is still in the works. The next day, two hours before deadline, he is now getting a little nervous and he asks again. Same answer.

An hour before deadline, the sports editor is in a panic.

"Where is the story?" he asks.

"I can't write it," said the sportswriter.

"Why not?" demands the editor.

"Writer's block."

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

The man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop arrived, surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."

The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee late one night, found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Grady's!"

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!"

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin!"

There once was a proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ, which is playing all sorts of celestial music.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"

A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said thirty-five children is enough for any woman!

There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways.

Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret.

The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?"

Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!"

So a lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird.

The parrot says, "Hey lady, you are *really* ugly."

Furious, she storms off to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her again pipes up with, "Hey lady!

You are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "YO! lady, you are really, really ugly!"

The lady was so furious that she stomped into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say 'you're ugly' again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot, yet again, cried out, "Hey lady!"

She paused and said, "Yes..."

The sassy bird said, "You know."

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent.

"Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!" "He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register- I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

A Marine and an Airman, having just left the service, were interviewing for the same job with a company just outside a Marine Corps Base. Both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both individuals only missed one question. The manager went to the Marine and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Airman the job."  The Marine asked, "And why are you doing that?  We both got 9 questions correct. This being Marine country and me being a Marine, I should get the job without question!"
The manager explained, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."   "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"  Asked the Marine.  "Simple," explained the manager, "The Airman answered question # 5 with,  "Sorry, I don't know the answer to this question".
"Yeah! So?" replied the Marine. You put down, "Neither do I"

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."

"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that"

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."

Everyone says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't true!

But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and when they aren't.

When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.

When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.

When a politician scratches his collarbone, he isn't lying.

When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"

An upscale thief, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to hit the safe in a store. One the safe door he was delighted to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. . .

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "Alas, my confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics.

One day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumors of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?"

Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board." The prof smiled.

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is FAITH. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "I'm really worried about my wife. I ask her a question and she never answers. I think she's going deaf."

"That's possible," answers the doctor. "But in order to help, we'll have to determine the extent of her hearing problem. I suggest that you run a little test to see how bad the problem really is."

At that point the doctor gave him instructions. The next day the two are out on the golf course. She's plum bobbing a putt, and he steps 15 feet away from her and asks, "Which way do you think it will break?"

No answer.

He steps 5 feet closer and asks the same question, and still no answer.

Again 5 feet closer, and again still no answer. Finally he moves to within inches of her ear and asks, "Which way do you think it will break?"

She snaps, "For the fourth and final time, I think the darn thing breaks to the left!"

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied "every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic."

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said
"Excuse me, Miss... what are you doing?"
She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

 A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?". God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

A dad walks into the market followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. The boy immediately starts choking and going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper, and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question:

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic! What are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens, no" the man replies "I work for the IRS."

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.

After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

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