"General Audience" Jokes

A man drives to a gas station and fills up his tank. The curious clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat. So, he asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but so far, I haven't a clue."

After thinking a moment the clerk says, "I know... you should take them to the zoo."

"That's a great idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, what's up? You've still got the penguins! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Well, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

A renowned juggler, on his way to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"They're part of my act... I'm a juggler."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

Another guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel. The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug... "AHA!" he shouts!

Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked it be turned down because he was too hot, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"

The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."

After a little while she again queries him. "You're really Jewish, aren't you?"

Again he responds, "No, ma'am, I am not Jewish."

Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"

To which, in exasperation and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "OK. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."

"Funny," she says, looking puzzled. "You don't look Jewish!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

The 10 Commandments of Email

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Tips for traveling in the South

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.

6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.

7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

8. If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.

12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.

13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.

14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.

15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.

16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.

17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some southerners view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.

18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

19. "Ya'll come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement.

20. If you decide to stay in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Seated next to an arrogant blowhard at a UN dinner was a quiet, Oriental gentleman dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.

The blowhard, in a feeble attempt to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"

The Oriental fellow smiled and nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table and sat down. Turning to his dinner partner, he asked, "So, you like speechee?"

The four stages of life - Pretty much sums it up for me!!

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus.

Preparing for a tag sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the tag sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar.

"This is a great deal," he said excitedly." It still has the plastic on it." Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame. -Reader's Digest

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

The controller, working a busy pattern, told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar a piece for them.

Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price ($1) they'd paid for them.

After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they ended up with no more money than they started with.

"See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

A man had a ticket for the theater but when the usher seated him, he found that he was too far from the stage.

He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, ............ "The wife was the one that did it".

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A guy in the corner replied, "It can't be me.....I'm not wearing any!"

One evening at story time, a little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

And he replied, "No honey, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with, 'If Elected I promise

Hank was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on.

He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue."

A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened.

Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a séance.

Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."

"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."

"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please. Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said "Hey sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days!

There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

What You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Everybody freeze! I dropped a contact lens!

Isn't this the one with the deadbeat insurance?

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

FIRE!

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Rats! Page 59 of this manual is missing!

Look at this... Truly a freak of nature.

Hand me that... uh... that uh... do-whatchie-ma-callit

Sterile? Whatever, the floor's clean? Right?

This patient has already had some kids? Am I correct?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

OK, now take a picture from this angle.

That's cool! Now can you make her arm twitch?!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what the heck that?

What IS this doing here?

And then there's the story about the man working the night desk at the FBI office. They got a lot of wrong numbers, because it was similar to the pizza joint.

One night he answered "FBI." When the caller hesitated he said "You meant to call Dominoes ..."

The caller exclaimed "Golly! You guys really do know everything!"

In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a field and asked, "Did you happen to see a wagon load of monkeys go by?"

"Nope," replied the farmer. "Did you fall off?"

Pat hasn't been on the best of terms with his neighbor recently. So whenever Pat's two rambunctious children knock the ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard, it's not returned.

Last summer, Pat purchased a trampoline. When the neighbor saw Pat's children playing on the new trampoline, he remarked, 'Now they'll probably be bouncing into my yard, too.'

'That's all right,' Pat responded. 'You don't have to throw them back, either.'

Lisa and Brad got married. Lisa decided to be a nice little wife and made and packed Brad's lunch for him to take to work.

The first day Brad opened his lunch box and found one tiny little sandwich. Not really more than a mouthful, sad to say, and he was hungry the rest of the day. That evening when he got home, he told Lisa that it hadn't been enough.

Next day, Brad opened his lunch box to find *two* sandwiches, but STILL they were tiny things and he heard his stomach growling for the rest of the afternoon. Once again, that evening he asked Lisa to please put more in.

Brad found *three* sandwiches the following day, but he's a hungry boy and once again was not satisfied. Another talk with our Lisa was needed.

This time, though, she got annoyed about it. She'd been trying very hard to please Brad and he just wasn't being very appreciative of her efforts. So she took a whole loaf of bread, sliced it in half, and makes a great big sandwich out of it.

When Brad opened his lunch box the next day, he rolled his eyes and sighed, "Oh no. Back to one sandwich!"

A guy is having a drink in a bar. A lot of drinks. A very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb. and I'm a professional tri-athlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2" and 220; she's an ex-pro wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a kick boxer professional. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says; "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

In the summer of 1998 a man in Amsterdam went to his priest and confessed, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During the second World War, I hid a wealthy Jewish refugee in my attic to save him from the Nazis." The priest, a bit perplexed, replied, "Well, son, that was quite a courageous and generous thing to do. Why do you think it was a sin? God will bless you for your kindness."

"But, father, I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't something to be proud of, but you did it for a good cause." Replied the father.

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

One day this avid golfer returns from a game looking very down and dejected.

He wife asked, "What's wrong, honey? You look awful!"

"It was terrible! Roy had a heart attack on the tenth green today and died right on the spot."

"How terrible for you. No wonder you feel the way you do, it must have been just awful!"

"It sure was," he continued, "the whole rest of the day it was hit a shot, drag Roy, hit a shot, drag Roy..."

A few lessons from life

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter; is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

The Plan

In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form,

And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers

And they spoke among themselves saying, “It's a crock of crap, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a season when neither Alabama nor Auburn made a post-season bowl game. It seemed so unusual that the coaches of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the 2 teams because of their great rivalry.

So they decided on a weeklong ice fishing competition. The team who caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.

So, on a cold northern South Dakota Lake (a neutral site so no one would whine about home field advantage), they began their contest.

The 1st day, after 8 hours of fishing, the Bama players had caught 100 fish and the War Eagles had none.

At the end of the 2nd day, Bama had caught 200 fish and the Tigers had none.

That evening Tuberville got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place". So the next morning he dressed one of his players in crimson and white and sent him over to the camp to act as a spy.

At the end of the day, he came back to report to the coach.

The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"

"They sure are", the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice!

The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied.

"He's in the Secret Service."

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?"

"It's $2000, ma'am."

"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"

"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,

"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."

Husband: "At least we have something saved for a rainy day."

Wife: "Yeah ! One good drizzle would wipe us out."

One afternoon at Mt. Zion Hebrew School, Chaim Goldberg, the new instructor, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question and answer period.

"Mr. Goldberg," announced little Joel, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joel?" asked Goldberg, with a kindly smile.

"Well accordin' to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea. Right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Of course right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you're right, Joel... Where is this going?"

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin' somethin' important. Right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldberg. "So, what's your question, already?"

"Well, what I really wanna know is this," demanded Joel. "While the children were doing all these wonderful things, where were all the grown-ups"?

One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle.

"Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.

The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.

In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

"I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!"

To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be giddy up".....

She was so Blonde that...

...she wanted to visit a computer chat room, but couldn't find one near her home.

...she called the *hardware* store to check on their stock of artificial nails.

...her magician boyfriend convinced her he was with her on weekends; just invisible!

...she wore a bikini her first day in the car pool!

...she'd heard about the information superhighway, but couldn't find it on her map!

...she wanted to sign up as an *organ* donor, but all she had was a guitar! :-)

...she called home from work, set down the receiver, then sped home to see if Call Waiting really worked...

...when told she would need a travel visa, she asked if her Master Card was OK!?!

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when the college boy who delivered his pizza.

"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?"

"Applied psychology."

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Q. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

A. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Q. What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

A. A documentary.

Q. How many rednecks does it take eat a possum?

A. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Q. Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

A. The driver says, "Bout what?"

Q. What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?

A. I-40.

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. . .

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH yes! I remember."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that, deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself, but he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

However, Andy refused by telling the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

If you're thin, don't eat fast.

If you're fat, don't eat. Fast.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from women to politics to cooking.

"You know, I got a cookbook once," said Ben, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, right?" asked the Sam.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same darn way - I couldn't past it, 'Take a clean dish. . ."

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled.

She told me a lot of kids smell that way.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Two friends were driving to the golf course one morning, when one of them decided to get a little philosophical.

"You know, I was thinking," he said to his friend. "Golf is a lot like taxes."

"Okay," replied his friend, "I'll bite. Why is golf a lot like taxes?"

"Simple," said his friend, "You spend your whole life driving your heart out for the green, and, no matter what happens, you always end up in a hole."

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "in fact, there are three doctors there already!"

A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "Doc, I'm having a really hard time controlling my bladder."

The doctor says, "Get off my new carpet! Now!"

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TV IS BETTER THAN THE WORLD-WIDE WEB

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

...and the number 1 reason TV is better than the Web:

You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence....

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his Father about it and the Father suggested that the boy now pullout one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The day passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his Father that all the nails were gone.

The Father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. "Friends are a very rare jewel indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence.....

At an SEC meeting, one of the football coaches mentioned that he had plans to install a Gold Telephone in his office. Not to be outdone, several of the top programs had Golden Telephones installed in each of their respective offices.

One day, a highly sought after recruit (we'll call him Joe) walked into Steve Spurrier's Florida office and saw his gold phone on the desk. "Wow," the young man exclaimed, "what's that?"

Steve responded, "Well son, that's my Golden Telephone. It's a direct line to Heaven."

"That's pretty neat," Joe responded. "Do you think I could make a call on that phone?" "Well, yes, but it's going to cost you about $100. You can make the check out to the University of Florida Athletic Dept.," replied Steve.

"That's a lot of money. I don't think I can spend that much. Thanks anyway," Joe replied as he left the office.

A few weeks later Joe took a campus visit at the Auburn University, and met with Coach Tubberville in his office, where he saw a Golden Telephone. "What exactly is that phone for," asked Joe.

Coach Tubberville replied, "That's my direct line to Heaven."

"Do you allow anyone else to make a call from that phone?" asked Joe.

"Well, sure, but it's gonna cost you about $200, and you can make the check to the Auburn University Sports Foundation," replied Tubberville.

"Oh, never mind, I don't have that kind of money. Thanks though." Joe shook his head and left Coach Tubberville's office.

The next weekend, Joe took his official visit to the campus of University of Alabama and made the office of Coach Dubose his first stop. Upon arriving the first thing he noticed was the Golden Phone on Coach Dubose's desk. Jo asked if that was a direct line to Heaven. When Dubose replied that it was, Joe asked again if he could make a call using the phone.

"Well, sure you can, but there is a charge of 35 cents," replied Dubose.

Upon hearing this, Joe's eyes widened and he said, "Really? Then why did Coach Spurrier and Coach Tubberville tell me it would cost so much more?"

Coach Dubose looked up from behind the desk and smiled, saying, "Because, son, here in Tuscaloosa, it's a local call."

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

A fellow stopped at for gas and, after filling up, he paid the bill and bought soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. . .

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

Completely mystified, the fellow walks up to workers and say, "OK.. hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we're union, and we work for the state," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally, there's three of us--me, Freddie, and Tom. I dig the hole, Freddie places in the tree, and Tom here puts the dirt back. Union says that just because Freddie's out sick, that don't mean that Tom & me shouldn't work!"

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...

....they don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

....all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

....before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

....if you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

....you cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

....before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

....the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

....when they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

....the Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

....you ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

....no movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes

....you see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

....all the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

How do you get a Blonde on the roof?

Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

I live in Texas. I have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.

When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply."

I told them, there are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper."

Sure enough, there were ads for . . . "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

The best measure of a woman's honesty isn't her income tax return. It's the zero adjust on her bathroom scale.

I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to my address. Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters. Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."

Andrew works in tech support and tells me they've got a support tech who shakes her mouse all the time. Andrew asked her why and she replied, "It makes the 'sand' go through the 'hourglass' on the screen faster."

I'm so tired.

For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take out the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and city governments, and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

With 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And here you're sitting there reading e-mail!

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

Sally replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, quite simply," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay. I see." said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

"Dogs and Men" How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning

3. Both mark their territory

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with crotches

7. Neither does any dishes

8. Both pass gas without shame

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

10. Both like dominance games

11. Both are suspicious of the postman

12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog

8. Dogs are easy to buy for

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you

Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir", replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father warningly. "There are twelve of us."

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?", I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says,

"Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked,

"What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "No, the month is up today!"

When Tony's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Tony told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living."

"Don't be stupid, Tony," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Tony replied.

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

Harry Henpecked had been ordered by his wife to buy only organic vegetables from the market garden. The gardener detected Harry's apprehension about going shopping.

"These vegetables are for my wife," he said. "Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"No," said the gardener, "you'll have to do that yourself."

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boys jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test score and $64 change.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

After a short while, little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,

"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service

An IRS agent was questioning the owner of a small deli about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."!

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Wisdom for New Parents. Keep in mind -

Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.

Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

* MONEY

It can buy a House

But not a Home

It can buy a Bed

But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock

But not Time

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

It can buy you Sex

But not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never find.

CASH ONLY PLEASE

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kinds of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know ... math has always been a little hard to swallow."

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice before eating that incredibly mind-boggling oh my god its so dangerous food: Bread!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of radiation poisoning, skin cancer, food poisoning and octogenarians.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY......

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

2. A day without sunshine is like, night

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

A newspaper reporter for the Los Angeles Times had received instructions from his senior editor to get photographs of a brush fire in the foothills of northern California. The instructions included hurrying to the Santa Monica Airport to board a small plane, taking some photos of the fire, and hurrying back by noon with the story. (Reporters are always in a hurry to meet their deadlines.)

The reporter dressed quickly, rushed to the airport, saw the small plane waiting on the runway, drove his car to the end of the runway, parked, and climbed on board. Off they flew into the clear blue skies.

At about 5,000 feet, the reporter took out his camera and said to the man flying the plane, "Bank right and I'll take some pictures of this fire."

Then he heard the most frightening questions of his life, "Bank right? Why don't you bank right? You're the instructor, aren't you?"

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

Here are five funny phone answering machine messages:

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again...(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes.

My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit.

When my mother picked out a yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit.

My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like a big yellow school bus."

The suit stayed in the dressing room.

~ Readers Digest

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and begins to calm down.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink, which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.

"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man.

"Then what's the matter?

With a look of sorrow he says, "I'm trying to give up drinking."

Father Donnegan walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "That I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then Donnegan asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Sure and I do, Father," was the man's earnest reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Donnegan walked up to O'Malley and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Malley said, "Why no, Father, I don't."

The incredulous priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Malley said, "Oh, when I die, yes, that's another matter altogether. I thought you were getting up a group to go right now."

You know, I have a few misgivings about Hillary never being able to push her National Health Insurance policy through... She and Bill-Bo have been making me sick for years - So why shouldn't the government have to pay for it?

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!....But my friends call me 'Bubba'."

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet.

A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it. A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would so the man bought it.

A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success. The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"

The boy said, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."

The Man said, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"

The boy replied, "You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.  He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.  The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher.. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.  "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.  The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...  "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" 

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in downtown Manhattan and orders a beer.

A local guy in the line behind him immediately pipes up, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed... However, a moment later he turned to the New Yorker with a grin on his face and began to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demanded.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"

John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!"

The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold and jumped out of the car. John drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"

A concerned Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.

"I'll say he is Daddy," she replied... "Why just last night he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you guys are easy to get along with."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "We know that aunt May has been married a lot of times so all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes, was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

The teacher wrote, "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Johnny, how should I correct that?"

Johnny replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.

She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A threesome went out to play golf in heaven. The first to tee off was Moses. After teeing off the ball went up the fairway and off into a pond. So he walked up to the pond and as he started to step into the water, it parted. He walked out to his ball and hit it up onto the green.

The next to tee off was Jesus. He hit the ball up the fairway and it too went into the pond, only it stayed on top of the water. He walked up to the pond and out on the water and hit the ball right up to the hole.

The next person got up and teed off. It was a terrible hit. The ball went off the fairway; went over and hit some guys barn, bounce off the barn and rolled over into the edge of the woods. In a few minutes a squirrel came along, picked up the ball and took it into the forest a little ways, up a tree and out on a limb and dropped it in a birds nest. The bird looked at the ball, then picked it up, flew out over the green and dropped it right in the hole.

Moses looked at Jesus, shook his head and said, "I don't like to play golf with your father!

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.

The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."

The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."

The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."

A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly." he replied

"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.

The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills,"

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the please of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.

"Is he such a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.

He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for

Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Frederic Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check."

A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.

The Jewish man said, "You people have been taking things from us for thousands of years. The Ten Commandments, for instance."

The Christian replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments from you, but you can't actually say that we've kept them!"

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half steam with one engine.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train rolled to a complete stop.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you wisely decided to take the train and not fly."

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....

"How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

In life, there are only two things to worry about, either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about; either you will live, or you will die. If you live, there is nothing to worry about, if you die, you have two things to worry about; either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry!

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing.

The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon for a few hours than hers all week."

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know; that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?

She was told that; yes she would have to take it the rest of her life.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked "NO REFILLS."

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

St. Peter asks them all, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second fellow says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in the lives of our city's children."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, Hey Look! HE'S MOVING!!!"

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.

"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.

"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.

"Fifteen dollars."

"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."

One night a Suzanne found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, wonder, enchantment, concern...

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's truly amazing!" he whispered... "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $39.95."

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, you guys must be new to hunting. I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way; I don't think you can pay for it." The guy shrugs, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me isn't risqué." "Done!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin tunes.

The bartender says, "Truly Amazing! I've never seen anything like that before. And your furry friend is truly good on the piano." The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another.

"Cash, another miracle or else no drink," says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog.

The guy says, "Done, sir." He takes the five and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Maybe not...", says the guy, "Considering my friend the gerbil is also a ventriloquist."

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.

The wife says, "Seven weeks."

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of fresh strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES?"

"Yes, strawberries will be fine."

The guard retorts, "But they are out of season!"

"So, I'll wait already..."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, and then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said,

"Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."

I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Job Seeker: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."

HR Manager: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."

Seeker: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."

HR Manager: "Umm... More than we can use already."

Seeker, getting desperate: "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

HR Manager: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."

Seeker, rising and angrily yelling, "To work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

HR Manager: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.

But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it, they matched.

An elderly couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was seriously wrong with them.

They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After his examination, the kindly doctor tells them that they were physically fine. He suggested that they might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure, honey."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, since you're going anyway, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

"I can remember that - you want a bowl of ice cream with some strawberries."

She replies, "And I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

Steam creeping into his voice, he replies, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." And he stalks off into the kitchen.

25 minutes later he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment, shakes her head and says, "I knew it, I knew it! You forgot my toast."

The story is told that many years ago, one of the UCLA Professors told the Freshman Science Students that he had some "Good News" and some "Bad News"

'By the Year 2010, we will all be drinking "Recycled Sewage"' he told the class.

"Yuk" was the reply, "Now give us the good news."

Said the Prof, "That was the good news, the bad news is that with the increases in the world population, there will not be enough to go around"

In Sunday school, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Tips for Surviving the Modern World

1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", clicking the "OK" button cannot solve this problem.

3.If you want your refrigerator's icemaker to work, you need to hook it up to the water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

4.No matter how much data you add to your laptop computer, it will not get any heavier.

5.A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do it immediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

8.When your PC says, "You have mail", don't go to the company mailroom and look for a package.

9.The French version of the Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English web pages into French.

10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for new orders.... DON'T CALL BACK!

11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows or Mac.

12.You do not need your passport to get into New Mexico.

What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?

In a church they say: "Pray in the name of Jesus!"

In a movie theater they say: "Shut up, for Christ's sake!!!"

A man said to his wife, "what would you most like for your birthday"

She replied, "I'd love to be Ten again".

On the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to a theme Park. Every ride in the Park, he puts her on it. The Death Slide, The Screaming loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there is she has a ride. She staggers out of the theme park five hours later, her head is reeling and her stomach upside down. Into MacDonald's they go, where she's given a Double Big Mac with extra fries. Then off to cinema to see Star Wars, more burgers, popcorn, Cola and sweets.

At last she staggers home with her husband and collapses in to bed. Husband leans over and says, "Well dear what was it like being ten again? "

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, I meant dress size!"

True story.

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move.

So it must be dead!

Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman chuckled and said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to the ground. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground over and over. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune; the Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.

The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire.

After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.

After the man-accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for...arson.

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.

Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.

Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.

Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.

Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.

Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.

Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.

Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.

Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.

Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.

Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.

Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

Two men sitting side by side in a 747 plane started to talk. One explained he had never flown before.

They left the airport in New York City headed for Los Angeles, California.

They landed in Chicago, whereupon a little red truck pulled up and refueled the plane.

They again landed to refuel in Denver. A little red truck pulled up to the plane and refueled it.

As they were about to land at their destination the veteran flier pointed out to the novice what great time they had made.

The novice said, "Yes they had made good time, but I noticed that little red truck wasn't doing bad either".

Here's your Signs!

JUST A PLAIN IDIOT

A man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

KENTUCKY IDIOT(s)

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

RETAIL IDIOT

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard "Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

A LOUISIANA IDIOT

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

AN ARKANSAS IDIOT

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

NEW YORK HAS A FEW IDIOTS

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer .. that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

SEATTLE SIPHON IDIOT

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to; pending credit approval." <BEEP>

The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up.

When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.

"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"

Wearily, the driver relied, "Yes they are all mine and it is NO picnic!"

An usher at a movie theater notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theater. He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.

The customer just moans and rolls his eyes.

The usher goes to get his supervisor who returns and also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.

Once again the customer just moans and rolls his eyes.

The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. "What's wrong with you? Are you drunk or something?" they ask.

The customer just moans and rolls his eyes.

The police officer asks the man "Ok buddy, where did you come from?"

The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "balcony... "

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to 4000 feet for noise abatement."

Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 3000 feet?"

Tower: "At 4000 feet, you will miss the 707 now coming at you at 3000 feet, and that is bound to avoid one heck of a racket....

SIGNS THAT YOU are WAY TOO MODERN

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

23. You're reading this.

24. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

* Parents Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we tell them to.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house...

RESPONSIBILITY: Don't worry; it's highly unlikely your children will learn to use big words like these

MINE: The only word a child can remember in the toy store

GIMME: An indication that a child really likes something

I DON'T KNOW: Proof that your children need a proper education

NOT ME: The name of the invisible child that you didn't know you had. This child breaks more household items, causes more messes, & more stress in your life than all the other children combined

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.... when the day finally arrives: He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions.

1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one. how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."

"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song.....

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...

HOW TO TRAVEL WITH THE KIDS

- Instead of singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall," you drink 'em.

- During the school year, keep them up at night so that they fail and get held in summer school.

- Pretend to pass out at the wheel, weaving erratically.

- Blindfold the children and tell them that you're taking them to the "Batcave."

- Sit them back-to-back, facing away from one another, and go to town with the duct tape.

- Make them eat a whole turkey and let the tryptophan kick in.

- You can ship a 40 lb child UPS 2nd day air for around $60.00, but don't forget the air holes.

- When you get on the plane, ask your child if he or she remembered to pack their parachute.

- Tell your kids that if they're extra-good, they get to ride in the "trunk seat."

- For every sugary snack your kid eats, take a Valium pill.

The Tuesday Morning Garden Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that next month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never really been to a working farm.

The day came, and after they arrived, Farmer Sours invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Elloise, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by with a pail of fresh milk and hailed him..."Mr. Sours," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, fact is, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause this here's a horse."

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It took you five minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.

The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

An MG pulled alongside a Rolls Royce at the traffic lights. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.

"Do you have a fax machine?"

The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."

"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Mg's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.

The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

Mother's Day and Father's Day are alike. Well, except of course, on Father's Day, you can buy a much cheaper gift.

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's anti-white & anti-Jewish newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel all kinds of troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news.

Farrakhan's paper says...... the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.

At my age it's better to read nothing but good news!"

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment, several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Famous Last Words:

** I'll get a world record for this..
** It's fireproof.
** He's probably just hibernating.
** What does this button do?
** I'm making a citizen's arrest.
** So, you're a cannibal.
** It's probably just a rash.
** Are you sure the power is off?
** Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury,so what of it?
** The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
** Pull the pin and count to what?
** Which wire was I supposed to cut?
** I wonder where the mother bear is.
** I've seen this done on TV.
** These are the good kind of mushrooms.
** I'll hold it, and you light the fuse.
** Let it down slowly.
** Rat poison only kills rats.
** Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
** It's strong enough for both of us.
** This doesn't taste right.
** I can make this light before it changes.
** Nice doggie.
** I can do that with my eyes closed.
** I've done this before.
** Well, we've made it this far.
** That's odd.
** You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
** Don't be so superstitious.
** Now watch this.
** What duck?

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

What to say to phone solicitors who call to sell you credit cards, vacation packages, etc.:

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number...

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

* Preparation for Parenthood ...

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! You finally qualify as a parent.

"You're in incredibly fine condition," the doctor concluded after finishing a thorough physical. "How old did you say you were, sir?"

"Seventy-eight."

"Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What's your secret?"

"I guess, Doc, it's due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she'd stay in the kitchen 'till she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry I'd keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down."

"I don't understand," said the doctor, "How could that help you stay so fit?"

"Well, the patient explained, "I guess you could say I've lived an outdoor life."

TOP TEN QUOTATIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE!!!

10. She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.

9. Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

8. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

7. Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success.

6. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

5. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.

4. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

3. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

1. If a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

WHO SAYS WOMEN CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS......

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. A single shot was heard. Then after a brief pause more shots were heard, one shot after another. Within a moment, they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. The two agents stood outside staring at each other with bewilderment and straining to hear what was going on in the room. Finally, after a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-

"Hello"

"How are you! We've been waiting for you!"

"Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,

"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?", the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

One day, a minister decided that he would visit some members of his congregation at their homes to encourage them and find out how they were doing.

After having already visited several members, he arrived at the door of a poor, elderly widow. He rang. She answered, and let him in. He was ushered into the living room where he and the widow sat down and began a casual conversation. After a few minutes into his conversation, he noticed a candy dish, full of peanuts, on the coffee table. Under ordinary circumstances, he would not have asked the question, but it was almost noon, and he hadn't eaten anything since his early breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite hungry. So, he asked the widow, "do you mind if I have some of these nuts?" She replied, "help yourself." So, he did.

Well, they continued chatting, when the minister realized that he had finished all the peanuts in the dish. He felt quite embarrassed for having gotten so carried away in his conversation with the poor, elderly widow, that he didn't even think to leave some in the dish for her. So, shamefully, he said to the poor, elderly widow, "I'm really sorry, it seems that I've eaten all your peanuts - I didn't mean to finish them all. Please forgive me."

The poor elderly widow casually waved her hand at him and said, "Oh, that's quite all right. All I could do is suck the chocolate off them anyway!"

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