Future historians will be able to study at:
the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library,
the Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library,
the Richard M. Nixon Presidential Library,
the Gerald Ford Presidential Library,
the James Earl Carter Presidential Library,
the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library,
...and the Bill Clinton Adult Book Store!
CLINTON SOUP
One of the Nations largest Soup Manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation,
"Clinton Soup", that will honor one the nations most distinguished
men.
It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
The critical reviews of Monica Lewinsky's newly released biography are pretty
much hunanimous: it (ahem) sucks.
And that's making a thong story short.
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
Why did Clinton name his dog "Buddy?"
Because he couldn't bear saying, "Come, Spot!"
What does Ted Kennedy have that Clinton wishes he had?
A dead girlfriend!!
Clinton asked Monica if she'd like to see the Presidential clock. She of course
replied yes. He unzipped and pulled it out and she said, but that's not a
clock. He said, "but it will be when you put two hands and a face on
it."
What is the difference between Bill and his dog Buddy?
Buddy can lick his own dick.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
Because Janet Reno is her Dad.
Q: What does Monica's mouth and a coke machine have in common?
A: Insert Bill here!
What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? One screw in the
wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
WHY DOES HILLARY INSIST ON MAKING LOVE EARLY IN THE MORNING WITH BILL?
SHE WANTS TO BE THE FIRST LADY.
WHY WOULD MONICA MAKE A BAD DOCTOR?
SHE WOULD SUCK AS A INTERN.
Subject: Grant me three wishes
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on
the shore.
She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and
because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have
plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money,
because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the
money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.
Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
Poof! And just like that .... her ears were gone.
Clinton finds a bottle, opens it and a genie
pops out and grants him one wish. Clinton wishes for peace in the Middle East.
The genie says there are some things even a genie can't do and tells Clinton to
make another wish. Clinton says he wishes that the whole Monica thing would go
away. The genie says he'll take a second look at the map of the Middle East.
While undressing for bed one night, Bill Clinton notices a red rash around his
"thing." Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see
this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval
Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know.
What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these
pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll
try something else."
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still
there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't
help.
So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him
the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not
improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn rash is still there. So he goes
back to his doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a
cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week, and let me
know."
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone!
That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00
bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed, bleached blonde hair and says,
"Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all
of you out the window and make the whole country happy".
Letter to John Hinckley
Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington, D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are
with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new
spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a
bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout the land. Hillary
and I want you to know that no grudge is held against you for shooting
President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family
to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
They didn't find any stains on that dress,,, just a wad of bills.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible disagreement.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world." proclaimed Sleeping
Beauty.
"No, you're not." answered Don Juan and TomThumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world." shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not." said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any one in the world." announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't." replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator,
and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be
ideal. Merlin agreed to mediate, and summoned them all to his palace, where he
announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I
AM the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
"Merlin agreed that I AM the smallest person in the world."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half
later. Finally, he emerges distraught, scratching his head and muttering
"Who the hell is Bill Clinton?
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake
up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds,
"I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me
you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
President Clinton and Hillary are at a baseball game.
They are sitting up in the V.I.P section. Before the game begins,
The umpire yells something up to Mr. Clinton. Clinton then proceeds
to lift Hillary out of her seat, and throw her over the railing and onto
the field.
The umpire shouts,
"No Mr. President I said 'Throw out the FIRST PITCH.
Clinton thinks that, "THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE
TRUTH", requires three different answers.
Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is moving to North Carolina?
She can't decide which city to live in, Blowing Rock or Morehead City.
[Both are cities in NC fer real]
Did you hear Bill Clinton just bought a new computer: 6-inch hard drive and no
memory
Arkansas is very proud of Mr. Clinton. All these women confessing to having sex
with Bill Clinton and none of them are his sister.
President Clinton has voiced support for school uniforms to cut down on
violence. Yeah, it sure has done wonders for the Postal Service.
whats the difference between monica and the chronically unemployed (or your
favorite ethnic group)?
Monica will, on occasion, do a lick of work.
Did you hear that Monica is now a registered republican?
she said those democrats leave a bad taste in your mouth
Mr. Reagan, Mr. Bush and Mr. Clinton are on the Titanic. Mr. Reagan says,
"Save the Women!" Mr. Bush says, "Screw the women!" Mr.
Clinton says, "Do we have Time?!"
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from
a donkey to a condom? That's because it represents inflation, halts production,
and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate on with
some friends. One surgeon said engineers were the easiest to operate on because
their insides were color coded. One surgeon said librarians were the easiest
because their insides were arranged in alphabetical order. Elders said that
Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He has no guts, no spine,
no heart and his dick and his brain are interchangeable!
One day while Bill Clinton was doing his morning jogging he noticed a little
boy standing outside the white house gates. As curiosity got him, Bill jogged
over to the gates to see what the little boy was doing.
As he approached the gates Bill was taken by suprise when he noticed a sign
that said, "Democratic Puppies for Sale". Bill approached the boy and
says, "What's up son?". To which the little boy replied, " I am
selling Democratic Puppies, Would you like to buy one Mr. President?".
"No Thanks", Said the President, "but good luck". He then
continued on his morning jog.
Thinking about how cute the puppies had been, Bill went to Hillary and told her
about the Demoratic Puppies. THey both laughed about how cute, "Democratic
Puppies". So they decided the next morning to go down to the gate to see
about purchasing one of the Puppies. Bill and Hillary were glad to see that the
little boy with the puppies was still there.
But to their suprise, when they appoached the boy, they saw the sign but this
time it stated "Republican Puppies for sale" Bill inquired about the
sign stating, "Young man, yesterday when I was here you had a sign up
stating that there were Democtratic Puppies for sale. Now today it says
Republican Puppies for sale. What's the deal?"
To which the little boy replied, "Yes sir Mr. President, But today they
all have their eyes open."
Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot & titty
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
Clinton and St. Peter
President Clinton and his wife died on the same day. They've been sent to St.
Peter for judgement. St. Peter asked them a few questions. He asked Hillary
first. One of the question was: Have you ever breaked the marriage-vows ?
~ Yes, she said.
St. Peter asked her how many times ?
~ Three times, she said.
Then St. Peter said; you have to be punished for that and he took a needle and
punctured her three times. One time for each breaking of the marriage-vows. Now
you can go to heaven.
After that St. Peter started asking President Clinton the same questions.
After two hours waiting for her husband, Hillary came back to St. Peter asking.
Where is my husband ?
He is still under sewing machine, said St. Peter.
Personal Ad:
If you're short/tall, petite/large, young/elderly, blonde/red head/brunette,
I'm your man. ----Clinton?
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle
on the beach and picks it up, only to find a female genie appears from the
bottle.
"Master, I may grant you one wish."
"Hey, B$%-&... I'm the best ... I don't need no woman give me
nuttin."
"But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be locked in this bottle
forever."
"Ok, ok b-&*(... just let me wake up with three women in my bed in the
morning."
So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the
bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
His pecker is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
Too bad the secret service
won't testify...they could have given us a blow-by-blow account of what
happened.
Q What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a condom?
A You can throw a condom away.
Q Have you seen Lewinsky's laundry?
A No? Don't worry neither has she.
Q How did Monica Lewinsky get a top naval job?
A She had connections with high ranking se(a)men.
Q Is it true Monica Lewinsky has a wardobe of stained dresses?
A Yes, she has a dress for every lover she's come across.
FROM BAD TO WORSE
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and
notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little
frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked.
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site;
Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them
both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"
Subject: Timekeeping in Heaven....
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing
the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you
let me show you around".
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter
shows him all the sights; the golf course, the reading room and the library,
the observation room, the cafeteria and then finally, they come to a HUGE room
full of clocks. The guys asks, "What's up with those clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much
time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and
comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense, but
notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others, He asks,
"why is that?"
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up
his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before
leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both
hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story
with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bills Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."
Did you hear that Clinton said no matter what he'll refuse to quit.
He rather continue to stick it out in the White house.
Do you know why walking a tightrope and having Janet Reno go down on you are
alike?
Because in both cases you really don't want to look down.
What is the difference in the "Titanic" and Bill Clinton?
We know how many women went down on the Titanic, but not on Clinton.
Bill never told Monica to lie. He told her to lie in this position, not to lie
on deposition.
The reason Ken Starr is won't give Monica full amunity is he's afraid she then
leak her story to the press, but Ginburg told Starr, "If there is one
thing I'm sure my client can handle it's a "GAG" order.
One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three
such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the
blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would
it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred
dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied,
"One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question.
The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as
my taxes...... get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours
as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer
than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then
believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
~~~compliments of SerenStorm
What's the first thing Prez Clinton does in the morning?
Go back to the White House.
Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington Monument. He
said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial. He said "Tom, what should I
do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln
Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go
to the theater?"
The Cintons took a break and went to Camp David for 10 days. While
away, George Stephanapolis cared for the First Parrot. The pet
parrot is not public knowledge because it has a fowl mouth. (Yes,
that pun was certainly intended). George got irked with it for
making fun of him, and accidentially killed it in a fit of childish
anger. Worried at what he had done, he went to buy another parrot.
He search all of the DC metro area for another parrot that looked
like the first one. After two days, he finally found a dead ringer
that wasn't dead. Unfortunately, the pet store owner ran a
brothel upstairs and would let the parrot sit on the shoulder
of the bouncer when he greeted his guests.
Undeterred (and facing a deadline) George paid a high price for the
bird and returned to the White House.
When Chelsea got back from Camp David, she said "Hi Polly" to the
bird.
The bird said, "Too Young. Too Young."
Hillary said, "Hello Polly" to the bird. It said, "Too old. Too
old."
Bill walked in and said, "Hi, Bird." The bird said, "Hi,
Bill."
Starting tomorrow, Willie will have to start wearing a Kotex
on his forehead. Hil put him on the patch.
What is Monica doing now that she can't see Willie?
Chewing Dickorette gum.
What is Hil going to give the interns instead of a box
of chocolate for Xmas next Year? A carton of Dickorette
gum.
What is the Xmas card the interns will send out next year?
Have a merry syphillus and a clappy new year, from the girls
at the little white house on the hill.
How does the president spend Halloween? Bobbing for interns.
Why is Willie out in the hinterlands making speeches?
To keep him away from the interns.
Why is Willie always hoarse? PID of the tonsils.
Thirteen names for the recent Presidential scandal:
13) Lolitagate
12) Quick! Time For Another War With Iraq!
11) The Crook, The Intern, The Wife, and that 'Hey Vern' guy
10) The D Cup Domes Scandal
9) Starr Wars
8) Ex-intern killed in freak missile accident-gate
7) The Lay of Pigs
6) Stain of the Union Undress
5) Monicaca
4) "Paid for by Gore/Rodham 2000"-gate
3) Honey, I shrunk my approval rating
2) Tail to the Chief
and the Number 1 Nickname for the Presidential Scandal...
1) Bad Will Hunting
Additional names sent to me LOL
Tailgate
Fornigate
Oralgate
Snide Remarks
I predict there will be a new movie: "All The President's Women."
I'm Bill Clinton's age and I just want to know one thing. What does this guy
have for breakfast?
Clinton's presidential library will be XXX rated. No one under 21 allowed.
The same people who said Nixon was innocent are now saying Clinton is guilty.
Did the Founding Fathers say the United States would have four branches of
government? The executive, the judicial, the legislative, and Kenneth Starr.
The silver lining for President Clinton in all this? The bidding war for his
post-White House memoirs just went way up.
If Clinton resigns, they should at least name a White House bedroom after him.
OK children, from now on we'll have to be more specific when we mention the
name "Monica."
From an old Nixon-hater: If Tricky Dick had been accused of the things Clinton
is now faced with, we'd have said, "Thank goodness he's finally showing
some normal tendencies!"
Message to Hillary: Girl, don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out!
I heard on the news that a radio station in Cincinnati is offering one million
dollars to any woman that can prove she has slept with President Clinton. I
think Mrs. Clinton should give them a call.
After his presidency, it appears Clinton will have better success opening an
adult bookstore rather than a presidential library.
I would never run for public office for fear that someone would find out that
my childhood sweetheart and I played doctor and house when she and I were 6 or
7 years old.
Quayle, Gingrich and Clinton are traveling together in the midwest. A tornado
comes along and wisks them away to the land of Oz. Once they realize where they
are, they decide to go to the Emerald City.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?!"
Subject: Clinton and the Virgin
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to
hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the
paperwork and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it
would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error [they don't
have UNIX in hell, only Windoze].
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went
off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they
stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up. President Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm
really excited about going to heaven. President Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All
my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. President Clinton: You're a day
late.
Clinton top 10; Clinton Digest
Top 10 Benefits From a White House Internship:
10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great
8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan ``Rock the Vote''
7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand
6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law
5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his `subpoena'
4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff
3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair
2. Have president introduce you to his `special investigator'
1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his
constituents
One Liners
What's the new game in the White House?
Swallow the Leader!
What's the headline in tomorrow's papers?
BUSH Beats Clinton!
What did Al Gore say when he heard of Clinton's troubles?
I'm only one orgasm away from the Presidency!
Yesterday, President Clinton was interviewed by Jim Lehrer on his Alleged
affair with a whitehouse intern and subsequent alleged subornation of her
perjury. Clinton said,
"I'm just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to
work."
Well put.
In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and
Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new
book about the scandal.
Working title: "All the President's Women."
Mike McCurry, White House Spokesman, just told reporters that "The
president really wants to be in a position to satisfy people with his
performance."
Isn't that the whole problem?
It occurred to me on the way back from lunch today that there was really only
*one* suitable name for the latest Clinton scandal:
"Willie-gate"
Remember, you heard it here first...
Clinton's defense in the White House aide sex scandal;
"I didn't come."
Cambridge, Mass. Bumper sticker?
"Re-elect President Gore in 2000"
Hillary Clinton is coming out with her new book, "It takes a village to
watch my husband."
Subject: In the Papers....
from the Washington Times:
Parents from Washington to Phnom Penh are rushing to explain the correct
version of the "birds and bees" to their children, an impressionable
generation rendered totally confused by President Clinton's description of his
sexual ... er, emotional relationship with Monica Lewinsky.
One parent who toils on Capitol Hill sat down and explained things by reading him
a poem from a recent Tom Tomorrow cartoon, written in the fashion of Dr. Seuss:
"Starr I are -- I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see ...
"Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
"Did you grope her in your house?
"Did you grope beneath her blouse?
"Clinton I are -- I did not do that here or there ...
"I did not do that anywhere!
"I did not do that near or far ...
"I did not do that Starr you are!
"Did you smile? Did you flirt?
"Did you peek beneath her skirt?
"And did you tell the girl to lie
when called upon to testify?
"I do not like you Starr you are ...
"I think you have gone too far!
"I will not answer any more ...
"Perhaps I will go start a war!
Subject: More Clinton Humor
Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on
first.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see
one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the
President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want
to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it."
responds the President.
So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life.
Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer
Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated
the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House.
Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every
member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and
bad news," he says.
"The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole."
"And the bad news?" Clinton demands.
After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs
to your wife!"
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!
President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner
hailed him.
"Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!"
"No, no." Billb replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept
on jogging.
This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as
he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President...
Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!"
Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they
neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to
happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times
she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you
get for Five Bucks!"
Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: Why are there no book marks in the White House?
A: Because they bend all the pages over.
Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"
What's the latest game played at the White House?
Swallow the leader.
How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex
with Bill Clinton?
86% responded "Not again."
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of Deep Throat.
What advice did Yasar Arafat give Clinton in their meeting last week?
"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"
What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound
What was the draft title of Hillary's book?
"It Takes a Village to Satisfy my Husband"
Who were Monica's closest friends during her internship?
Kneel and Bobb
Has the President changed his official title?
Yes, from Commander-in-Chief to Seaman First Class
What was Clinton's excuse this time? "I didn't impale"
The IRS wants to audit Monica Lewinsky to see if she’s claimed the money she
saved by eating at Bill’s
Bill and Monica were made for each other. Monica has a crooked mouth.
What’s the difference between Vince Foster, Ron Brown, and Monica Lewinsky?
Monica is the only one who took a shot in the head from Bill and lived to tell
about it.
What does being an intern at the Whitehouse prepare one to do? A recent survey
showed that 16% of former interns qualified as carpenters for making Bill’s
banana stand, 28% became kneepad salesmen, and 58% became head tasters at
factorys making strong cheese.
The President is very excited about his new educational program for America’s
children. He plans to teach sex education himself and believes he can solve the
problem of ‘no meat’ in the school lunch program at the same time.
There was an old creep called Slick Willy
Whose deportment was sometimes quite silly
With a wink of his eye
As he zipped down his fly
He’d pork the mouth of some filly
When asked how she was going to avoid all this embarrassing ‘oral sex’ talk
that keeps popping up, Monica said, "from now on, I’m going to put it all
behind me.
To avoid the possibility of accusations of impropriety, the President had a
toothbrush surgically implanted in the head of his penis.
The President denied that his relationship with Miss Lewinsky was sexual and
insisted he was only giving her voice lessons by making her sing ‘The star
Spangled Banner’ while holding two small balls in her mouth.
Asked what Clinton felt about his state of the ‘union’, he said,
"extremely gratifying".
Clinton is still denying that his relationship with Monica was sexual and
claims that he was depressed and deflated and Monica was just trying to keep
him pumped up.
Capital Hill definitions:
Intern: Be patient. All attractive pages will have the opportunity to ‘serve’
the President ‘in turn’.
Serve: Put your moniker on this.
Pants: What Monika is always doing and Bill can’t keep on.
Bill asked Hillary for $10 for Guinea pig, and Hillary replied, "here’s
$20. Go get yourself a nice Polish girl---so he did!
A Right Wing Conspiracy Plan
Now stories in DC are rife,
With rumors of Bill’s private life.
Trouble is brewing.
He won’t stop his screwing,
And none of it’s with his dear wife.
They say that his member is bent.
Such talk of the President!!
But none can agree
To what degree,
And in which direction it went.
If you’ve ever seen Hillary’s pan,
It’s hard to place blame on the man.
But as to his member,
She cannot remember.
It’s never been part of her plan.
For the Pres. oral was prefrential.
The scene didn’t look presidential,
The Chief was quite pleased,
To have the Aide on her knees,
In a shot that would prove consequential.
Old Bill had his hand on her head.
He looked in her eyes and he said,
"I feel like a winner,
And not a real sinner.
Can you sing me a song while you’re fed."
She nodded and broke into song.
She sang like nothing was wrong,
In a spectacular manner,
The Star Spangled Banner,
While keeping both lips on his dong.
And then there’s the stain on the dress,
That’s put Bill under some stress.
Should he deny it,
The facts sure imply it,
Her mouth couldn’t hold the excess.
Or was it a whole different matter?
Dismissed as being tabloid tatter,
Was the president wearing,
the dress she was sharing,
Crossdressing while spilling his batter?
For an intern she’s a hell of a girl.
Bill told her, "it’s only a whirl,
And I’ll never confess,
to this whole nasty mess,
If ever your lips do unfurl."
Now Slick is a real miracle man.
The polls show if anyone can,
He can stick it in double,
And come out of trouble,
It’s a Rright Wing conspiracy plan.
[Credit to "Tasteless Songs for sensitive People" on the 669 Show
(WCSB-FM www.wcsb.org)
To the tune of Guys and Dolls
If you see a chick
doing all kinds of tricks
You can bet
that the President has some balls
If your on some lover's lane
And the babe doesn't have brains
Look in her eyes, tell her some lies
That you feel all of her pain
when the president
Starts pitching his tent
He's a cool cat
when she has no sense at all
She'll get mad
Don't tell Hilary
That Monica's a little honey
and that the president has some balls
If she's got great jugs
Just give her a hug
and just pet
in case the hot tub is really bugged
Remember gary Hart
and his cute little tart
she sat in his lap, he was a sap
and now he's just another old fart
If she's really dum
and she's looking for fun
she's got tits
but the president likes his buns
If you see a joan
and her virginity's flown
you can bet
that bill clinton's just been blown
You can tell
he's a real man
he's cheating on the old hen
And you know that the president has some balls