"Points to Ponder"

Have you ever wondered why?

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. But in modern business (and education and government, and etc...),because heavy investment factors and agendas are taken into consideration, other strategies are often tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip

2. Changing riders

3. Threatening the horse with termination

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired"

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance

12. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line then some other horses

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses

14. Instituting an affirmative action policy to hire more dead horses, on the basis that they would be fine if only their lack of skills were not held against them

And, as a final strategy:

15. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special on what they were calling the "Bucket of Hillary"

2 Small Breasts

2 Large Thighs

and

a Bunch of Left Wings

Can you answer three of these questions?

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won a Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last ten World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Name five people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Name five people with whom you enjoy spending time.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? ... The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care."

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

You have reached the pinnacle of success as soon as you become uninterested in money, compliments, or publicity.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

Shin, (n), a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

We do precision guesswork.

'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

Don't Insult the Alligator . . . till after you cross the river.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Incontinence Hotline... "Can you hold, please?"

Originality - the art of concealing your sources.

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician!

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two fit!

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going." George Carlin

To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

The man who arrives at a party two hours late will find that he has been beaten to the punch!

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words... and that says it all.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.

Corporate Mergers We'd Love to See

3M and Goodyear: New company to be named m-m-m-Good

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company to be named Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company to be named Honey I'm Home

Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company to be named Zip Audi Do-Da

Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!

Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine

Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company to be named Poly Warner Cracker

Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company to be named Deere Abi

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Men are like a deck of cards.

You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

If Labor Day means that I get a day off from my job, then.... Does Valentine's Day mean that I get a day off from my girlfriend?

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Death is hereditary.

Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

A new car has been designed especially for the Los Angeles rush hour. It's called a stationary wagon.

Sometimes I think the whole world is against me, but I know that's not true. Deep in my heart I know some of the smaller nations are actually neutral.

Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.

This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

Discover wildlife! Have kids!

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

Your secrets are safe with me, and all of my friends.

Take my advice. I'm not using it!

Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

Some men are all right in their place-- if they only knew the right places! Mae West

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

You can easily distinguish between asthma and passion. Asthma lasts.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Money can't buy you true love, but it does put you in a good bargaining position.

It's called "Take Home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place. Lord Halifax

Sometimes I think the whole world is against me, but I know that's not true. Deep in my heart I know some of the smaller nations are actually neutral.

Why do people make a list ranking snakes by the potency of their venom? Is it more prestigious to be killed by number one than say, a number fifteen?

"I am a marvelous housekeeper, darling... Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." -- Will Rogers

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." -- Jay Leno

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would steal them away. Ronald Reagan

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

I work on the 20th floor of my building and found out about a "secret" fire drill next week. If I take the elevator and leave the building early, am I guilty of premature evacuation?

Broadcaster during golf tournament: "Arnie, usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble with his long putts. However, he has no trouble dropping his shorts."

When you dream in color it's a pigment of your imagination.

I had to stand firm when Richard Attenborough told me that the villain from the first James Bond film was going to marry my uncle. "I won't take No for an Aunt, Sir", I said.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid? Steven Wright

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I was just curious, you know... Am I my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. George C. Scott

What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved. There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character. People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.

We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings. Our values were better when our roads were worse!

People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience.

Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly; you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk. For your mail, you walked to the mailbox.

What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony road on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.

At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap. Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.

At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar ...always you got a new friend... at the end of a Dirt Road. Paul Harvey

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

Professionals... Defined

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A mathematician is a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches.

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. Abraham Lincoln

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project, he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided.... and only one knew that the chemical was water.

This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Official DoubleSpeak...

What Pentagon officials say: And what they really mean.

Essentially Complete: It's half done

Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems: It'll take a miracle...

Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Results are being quantified: We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

Not well defined at this time: Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.

Task force to review: 7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well understood: Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!

What You Should Have Learned From Noah's Ark:

Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah build the ark.

Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.

Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.

Build on the high ground.

For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

If you can't fight or flee -- float.

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

Remember - we're all in the same boat.

When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!

Stay below deck during the storm.

Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

DON'T MISS THE BOAT!

For more, read the whole story starting in Genesis 6. (yes, that's in the Bible)

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. Plato

Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

My wife has trouble opening pickle jars. Apparently, that involves a different set of muscles than slamming doors.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Andre Gide

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is, that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. Henry Ward Beecher

To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Steven Wright

The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.

A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.

"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."

"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."

The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."

"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, three wishes."

Unfortunately, the fish was dead.

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

Johnny, a young GI posted to Germany is out on the town and is having a conversation with a street vendor named Rolfe. . .

Rolfe: "What do you call someone who speaks three languages?"

Johnny: "Trilingual."

Rolfe: "What do you call someone who speaks two languages?"

Johnny: "Bilingual."

Rolfe: "Good! Good! Now... What do you call someone who speaks only one language?"

Johnny: "Ummm... monolingual?"

Rolfe: "No... An American!"

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. - Milton Berle

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you give some managers an inch, they think they're a ruler.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno

When a father helps his son to walk, both laugh.

When a son helps his father to walk, both cry.

When the judge napped in the park, his clerks were reluctant to “approach the bench.”

The majority of HMO plans out there are a lot like hospital gowns -- you only think you're covered.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

What is the difference between a circus and a bar? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

You know what the problem with a lot of people is? Overpopulation.

In life you are given two ends, one to think with and the other to sit on. Your success in life depends on which end you use most. Heads you win, tails you lose. Conrad Burns, US Senator

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

You know the honeymoon is over when your wife says, "If I'm asleep when you get through, pull my nightgown down."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a bathing suit that fits.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why is California like a bowl of raisin bran? Once you get past the fruits and nuts, all there is left are the flakes.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!

Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!

In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!

If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!

A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Worry is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

No man is worth your tears and the one who is won't make you cry.

The end of science is not to prove a theory, but to improve mankind.

Have you ever wondered how someone can be a loud-mouth and an asshole at the same time?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

People who are wrapped up in themselves make very small packages.

One of the advantages of being Captain is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it. -William Shatner as James T. Kirk

O God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those

that I had to kill today because they pissed me off,

And help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,

As they may be connected too the arse,

That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

You should also be aware of the international standard unit of beauty. This is known as a Helen. More common is the milli-Helen, which is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

If the blood bank says "Give Blood", then what does the sperm bank say? "Give Head?"

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death -twice?

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for the chicken but a lifetime commitment, for the pig.

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

A fellow who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

So tell me, what's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?

When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my fingers and tell them to f*** off.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemist's solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going down the drain.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

The three R's of Microsoft: Retry Reboot Reinstall

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

"Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives."

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited period.

I think deep down, all any of us really wants is to be accepted. Especially by young, attractive models with plenty of money and an unquenchable desire for sex.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally...

I married your mother because I wanted children... imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one-way street.

What is the most confused holiday in Harlem? Fathers day.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.

Some people are born with black eyes and some have to fight for them.

Some people are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to
carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.  Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously in a notebook. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.  He said, "Will, what will?  I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."

Kellogg's is coming out with a new cereal for impotent men.

It's to be called "Nut N Raisin Honey"

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers

I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. --Bruce Clark

Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued Pace University because the math in their computer course was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000. - Jay Leno

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me. Basement? - Rodney Dangerfield

The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children... he's got a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)

It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza

What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice-skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. -- Rodney Dangerfield

The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space. -- Margaret Smith

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

I met a girl whose breasts were growing out of her back. She was pretty funny looking, but she was great to dance with!

Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Him: Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex.

Her: Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.

Behind every great man is a great woman and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously?

Always behave like a duck -- keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now, I'm wondering exactly how he found out.

Some folks never exaggerate - they just remember big.

A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.

"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?"

"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"

A bachelor is someone who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair."

I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute: if he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem.     You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...

Never argue with an idiot.     They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Could you be arrested for selling "illegal-sized" paper?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. -Dan Quayle

Some people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make.

Some people are like taxi drivers..... They go through life missing everything.

Some people are like blotters..... They soak it all in, but get it all backwards.

Some people are like blisters..... They don't appear until all the work is done.

Some people are like pins. Useless when they lose their heads.

Some people are like rocking chairs. A lot of action, but no progress.

Some people are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one-way or another. -George Bush, US President

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground.

You look like a million bucks! All green and wrinkled

When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it.

Sure it's uncomfortable.

But it makes you look just like his remote control.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - W.C. Fields

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.

Remember: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did."

Did you know that I believe that your eyelashes are connected to the hair around the rectum? If you don't believe it, just pull a hair from around your rectum and see if your eyes don't water!

I just bought an antique. At least it was when I got it home from the computer store.

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Decide promptly, but never give any reasons. Your decisions may be right, but your reasons are sure to be wrong. - Lord Mansfield

Do not argue with the forces of nature, for you are small, insignificant, and biodegradable

She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.

If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

The future has a way of arriving unannounced.

2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

If right-handed people predominantly use the left side of their brain, are only left-handed people are in their right minds?

Baby Names

Lawyer's daughter: Sue

Thief's son: Rob

Lawyer's son: Will

Doctor's son: Bill

Fisherman's daughter: Annette

Meteorologist's daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator's son: Doug

Hair stylist's son: Bob

Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb

Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician's son: Mike

Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank

Gambler's daughter: Bette

Gambler's son: Chip

Exercise guru's son: Jim

Cattle thief's son: Russell

Painter's son: Art

Iron worker's son: Rusty

TV star's daughter: Emmy

Movie star's son: Oscar

Barber's son: Harry

Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidentally falls in a river.

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.  --Anonymous

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.   --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. -George Jean Nathan

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses...and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me, either.

Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. - Tacitus

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.

There are two ways to look at things -- my way and ... and ... okay, there's ONE way to look at things.

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

This singer had to record the record.

Do hermits ever suffer from peer pressure?

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

Expert: Someone that takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

How come birds aren't tickled by feathers?

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend!

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh, at yourself. Ethel Barrymore

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Life is hard compared to what?

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If stupidity can get you into a mess, then why can't it get you out?

If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

Why is that when you transport something by car, it's called Shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes--why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Was today really necessary?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what he feels about dogs.

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.

Personally, I'd gladly participate in any experiment, which tests the effect of sudden wealth.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

At an "all-you-can-eat" restaurant, is there a penalty for eating less than you can?

"Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list..."

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Any city's streets are safe; their occupants are something else!

If you overdosed on decongestant tablets, would you turn into a pile of dust?

There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last. Jules Renard

Let the wind blow through your hair while you still have some.

I dropped a quarter in San Francisco. I had to kick it all the way to San Jose before I felt safe enough to bend over and pick it up!

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich

What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere-else"?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Its just stale bread to begin with.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain

I am in shape. Round's a shape...

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my wife is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, the George Bush Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Scrawled across the dorm wall were the words, "Question Everything!"

A couple of days later someone added one word... "Why?"

Who was Tonto looking for in the bank? The Loan Arranger.

My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

May is the time when millions of kids graduate from college and begin a new phase of their training: remedial reality. Robert Orben

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Why do women have two holes so close together? In case you miss.

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

When Eve bit into the apple, Adam said, "I guess you're planning on eden out tonight."

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. Oscar Wilde

How is your wife like a tornado? There's a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose it all.

I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid. She said, "Don t be silly you re not old."

Do pilots take crash-courses?

My wife has trouble opening pickle jars. Apparently, that involves a different set of muscles than slamming doors.

He was so narrow-minded... he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

Last year was the 40th anniversary of the most effective birth-control device in history. The TV remote control. Jay Leno

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

The motto for the Texas Cattle Association is "Do unto udders as you would have udders do unto you." (By Richard Lederer)

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honesty, make him pay cash.

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

"I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough." Claire Sargent

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low? Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips.

Interesting 'A' words

ABSENTEE - A missing golfing accessory.

ABUNDANCE - A local hop usually staged in the barn.

ACME - Pimples on the face running towards the top.

ADAMANT - The very first insect.

ADORN - What comes after the darkest hour.

ADVERTISEMENT - Something that makes you think you've longed for it for years, but never heard of it before.

ALIMONY - A mistake by two people paid for by one.

ALPHABET - Not quite the complete wager.

ANTI-FREEZE - When you don't talk to your uncle's wife.

APEX - The female of the gorilla species.

AROMATIC - An automatic longbow.

ARTFUL - A painting exhibition.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY - The car's logbook.

AUTOMATIC SHIFT - When the driver moves closer to his girlfriend.

AVAIL - Helpful for ugly women.

AWESTRUCK - Being hit with a paddle.

Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Do you know why it's called sex? Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

Horse sense keeps horses from betting on people.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Did you hear about the new NYU co-ed doll? Give it a wedding ring and watch it gain weight.

A gross error is 144 times worse than an error.

Why do women prefer old gynecologists? They have shaky hands!

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection. - Richard Lewis

If you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, try mowing it!

To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.

What do you call a Florida gynecologist? A spreader of old wives' tails...

Know what I hate? Getting the flu after using all my sick days pretending I had the flu.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, ... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

The White House scandal wasn't really Bill's fault. It was just something he got sucked into.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

My first rule of thumb: always keep it away from the hammer.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

One way for a husband to learn about do-it-yourself is to criticize his wife's housekeeping.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes, mopping the floor or taking out the trash.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Sweetheart, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

What is the one negative side effect of taking Viagra? Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in...

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His girlfriend/wife is good at picking out clothes!

What's the best way to save a marriage??? Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!!!!

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A recent study showed the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about 37 minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that. I mean, just how long does it take to say, "Uh-huh," or "Yes dear," or "I'm sorry"?

Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble? -George W. Pachaud

On the Continent people have good food. In England people have good table manners. -George Mikes, writer and humorist

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends.

People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges?"

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

"A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits."- Woodrow Wilson

I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.

Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks to you, you're crazy?

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Lead me not into temptation; I can find my own way.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!

For God's sake, if you sin, take pleasure in it, and do it for the pleasure...- Gerald Gould

Have you ever been to the zoo? I mean as a visitor.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

For those who understand no explanation is needed, For those who don't none will do - Jerry Lewis

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. - G. K. Chesterton

Why is being in the military like a sex? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they get a four-legged chicken with its own bar code?

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.

A relationship is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers.

REMEMBER … Never argue with an idiot.

They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

What's,

Long and thin,

covered in skin,

red in parts,

and goes in tarts ????

Rhubarb......

Banks are a place that will lend you money, if you prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything. - Malcolm X

Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!

Will the real dummy please stand up? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams

He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!

With a little help from our friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

What was plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

These nitwits are teaching our children? A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

It is harder to conceal ignorance than to acquire knowledge. "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" All generalizations are false.

And when the future finds us, they will say, "They were magical people living in this ordinary world." -author unknown

Money can buy a house, but not a home.

Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.

Money can buy a clock, but not time.

Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.

Money can buy food, but not an appetite.

Money can buy position, but not respect.

Money can buy blood, but not life.

Money can buy medicine, but not health.

Money can buy sex, but not love.

Money can buy insurance, but not safety.

You see, money is not everything.

Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me, immediately. I need it for Christmas.

How would you like to feel the way you look?

Early to bed,

Early to rise,

Till you make enough money

To do otherwise!

Never say, "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

The truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to.

I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection.

America: A country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.

The definition of eternity; two people and one Turkey.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

What is the title of the research project by a Ph. D. candidate recording religious transgressions using a hidden camera? Photo Sin Thesis.

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but people who live in stone houses can pretty much throw whatever they want.

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."

"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."

"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done!"

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him: "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure little bunny, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.

Then the crow thought: "Ah, poor bunny rabbit, I forgot to tell him that if you want to do nothing. You must sit very high."

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Hurt you? I don't want to hurt you! I want to watch you die in a fiery car crash!

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. - Richard Lamm

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? t least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace.

I hear that Monica is seeing a sex therapist to cure her from being oversexed and a diet therapist to cure her from overeating. Just think! She wouldn't have these problems if she'd just KEPT HER MOUTH SHUT!

Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.

If it was a three-hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

Morbid: Higher Offer.

A new study by the American Heart Association found that as little as a single glass of wine or beer per week can significantly reduce a man's risk of a stroke

And 10 or 12 a night keeps you from caring even if you DO have a stroke

Bob was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

The secret to staying younger is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. -Lucille Ball

Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.

What did God say after creating man?

I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?

Practice makes perfect.

He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

Written above a urinal:

You hold in your hands your family's future.

Someone had added:

And it doesn't look too promising!

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Men who make obscene phone calls have sexual hang-ups

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.

We don't piss in your ashtrays!

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

There are lots of things in life more important than money. Problem is... they all end-up costing ya money too.

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel room against his will. Problem was he all alone.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. --Rodney Dangerfield

The shower is the greatest invention. I don't like to take a bath. I don't like to wash my face in the water I've been sitting in.--Lewis Grizzard

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? --Rita Rudner

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane." --June Henderson

Deja Moo - The feeling you've heard this BULL before.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Carlin

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Why????

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?

12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it. - Bill Cosby

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. Burt Bacharach

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

Hell is not other people. Hell is no other people.

A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has a better lawyer.

The trouble with some women is they get all excited over nothing -and then they marry him! -Cher

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.

The next time a salesman tells you that something costs roughly $1100, ask him how much is it when he smoothes it out.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Belt Buckle?

It is made out of Mistletoe!

Don't expect others to listen to your advice and ignore your example.

I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Diet is something most of us do religiously. We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

A piece of string has two ends but no beginning. -Tom Weller

On television my 88-year-old stepfather and I saw an attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way up to her waist.

"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.

"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated.

"No," he said," I think it makes the men look longer."

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Where did the baby ear of corn come from? The stalk brought her.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. - Rich Jeni

I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him.

People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

There isn't much to talk about at most parties until one or two couples have left

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

They recalled my car -- there was a defect in the payments. - Bob Thaves

I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

Ah, yes a victim of an incomplete education.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention........

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

I'm in trouble with my banking. It seems I was laughing all the way to the brink.

Nice Ass, too bad it's on top of your shoulders.

The definition of a irreconcilable differences? When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

"My poor man", said the kind old lady to the panhandler, "it must be dreadful to be lame. But think how much worse it would be if you were blind."

"You got that right, lady," agreed the panhandler. When I was blind, I was always getting counterfeit money."

Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. If you're not in one, you're in the other.

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.

After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.

"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading "DANGER - MEN WORKING"?

You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when you want to turn your brain on. - Steve Jobs

If bullshit were dynamite you'd blow this place apart.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm? He snores.

What do you get when you mix holy water with milk of magnesia? A religious movement.

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

Alcohol is one of mankind's greatest enemies, but the bible tells us to love our enemies... - Unknown

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church.

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Theory of relativity: the more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes.

The difference between bathing suits now and then are that the bathing suits from the past required that you open the suit to see the butt. The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

WARNING! The Surgeon General has determined that the excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages could cause you to sleep with someone you normally wouldn't even talk to!

Is talking out of your ass an acquired trait or a hereditary one?

I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

"I think it's wonderful that you all could be here for the forty-third anniversary of my thirty-ninth birthday. We decided not to light the candles this year - we were afraid Pan Am would mistake it for a runway." - Bob Hope

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

You could be nice but you'd rather be yourself huh?

Today is the last day of the past. - Boris Yeltsin

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

Clinton said to Lewinsky: "I told you to lick my erection, ...not wreck my election!"

If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

What do you call a psychiatrist who hypnotizes his female patients and then takes advantage of them? A trance-sexual

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

At least there're one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

Why do so many men use dial soap?

Because dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness.

Contemporary conversions...

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

1 millihelen = The amount of beauty required to launch a single ship

To have children in their teens is to know that you are living, just as having a headache is proof that you have a head.

"How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend john.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."

Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.

He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

It's better to give than to lend -- besides, most times it ends-up costing you about the same anyway.

From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction - the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15:, please correct to read "12 noon."

Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

A politician is a person who divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"

The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

What's the last thing on an insects mind when it hits the windshield of a car? It's ass.

"Do you know what the sexual position is for making ugly babies?" "Uh no." "Well you better go an ask your parents they sure know"

I'm exhausted! I just performed a wedding for two lawyers, and they wrote their own vows!

Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.

We hide all our valuables in the bathroom, with three teen-agers in the family, there is no way a burglar is going to get in there!

The perfect gift for people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

You're so ugly even the dog closes his eye's when humping your leg.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something 'is out of whack'? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put* your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a racecar not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English* language: Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that:

Electricians can be delighted

Musicians denoted

Cowboys deranged

Models deposed

Tree surgeons debarked

Dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them? But if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little* spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when his or her team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't* zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil comes from?

What is the definition of nothing? When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures....... his nose.

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.

"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. " - Gore Vidal

Three things drive a man out of his house: smoke, rain, and a nagging wife.

New calendar

SUN FRI THU FRI WED FRI NEG

8 7 6 5 4 3 2

16 15 14 12 11 10 9

23 22 21 20 19 18 17

32 30 28 27 26 25 24

39 38 37 36 35 34 33

-> This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

-> Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.

-> There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.

-> There is no 1st of the month -- thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

-> Weekends have been shortened to the proper 1 day of rest.

-> Monday morning agony is abolished all together.

-> A new day, Negotiation Day (NEG), has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

She was so ugly that when she walked by the bathroom, the toilet flushed itself.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

What's the definition of eternity? The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

MESSAGE OF THE DAY:

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap the jerk upside the head...

Why jump rope for exercise when you can jump down people's throats instead? J. Wagner

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.

It says something about our times that we rarely use the word 'sinful,' except to describe a really good dessert. -Willard D. Ferrell

If the Nowhere Man wanted to go somewhere, where would he go; and if he went somewhere would that somewhere become nowhere, or would he become the Somewhere Man?

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night." one man said to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.  Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile.

You know when your losing your figure when you come home and find your husband wearing your bra and panties ... and he looks better in them.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word were misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do you know the best thing I've found about Mondays?

If it weren't for Mondays...we'd all bitch about Tuesdays.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

ADs from women

40-ish.................. 48

Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

The male side of the list

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest.................. Pathological Liar

Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature.................. Until you get to know him

Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Well there you have it, truth in advertising!

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Why can't they make a garage door opener that would shut people's mouths?

Documentation is like sex: When it is good, it is VERY good; and when it's bad, it's still better than nothing at all.

If a raincoat protects you from rain; shouldn't a fur coat protect you from fur?

What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a transvestite sailor? With the sailor, the dress is on the seaman!

The difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the regrets may stay around forever

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When the lord offered to make Adam a wife, did he think God was just ribbin' him?

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Tight clothes don't stop circulation. The tighter her clothes, the more she circulates.

"I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned."

"I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it."

"I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it."

"I used to work in a muffler factory until I got exhausted."

"I used to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it."

"I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard."

"I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy."

"I used to be a math teacher, but I had too many problems."

Remember that mothering is only one letter away from smothering.

Why do they call it the rat race when all the participants are people?

If men's brains were as big as their balls, there would be a lot less writing on toilet walls.

I think the term "surfing" the Net is just an attempt on the part of computer users to sound like they're actually active.

When you hear a man boast that he is the boss in his own house, you can be sure that he might lie about other things also.

What is it call when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?? Data Transfer.

Why is life like a penis? Because when it's soft, it's hard to beat; but when it's hard, you get screwed.

Jay Leno, on another study that says 25% of people use television to enhance their love life. "Unfortunately for the remaining 75%, TV is their love life."

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.

Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

When women go wrong, men go right after them. -Mae West

Which came first...the woman or the department store?

What's the difference between your first honeymoon and your second?

The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

Where does a nudist put his/her car keys after they park the car?

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed when you notice a spider crawling down your neck.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn.  So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you drink don't park. Accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

After the present was wrapped, he had to present it to the recipient.

The wind made the rope wind around the pole.

The invalid registration belonged to the invalid in the wheelchair.

Better resume working on your resume if you want that job.

Hand me those lead pencils so I can lead the class in writing with them.

I want a bedroom suite just like the one in that hotel suite.

That insert was not the one that I was told to insert into that envelope.

He's going out to the banks of the slough to slough off like a lazy man.

According to the contract, you're supposed to contract a disease.

The beer-drinking dogs were frequent hydrant peers among their peers.