"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you

"Jokes for Kids "

Suitable for adults too

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork awhile longer.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't seem to recognize me."

Keith & Phyllis took the kids and went to the beach for a Sunday outing, when Philip, Keith's youngest son, ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" Philip asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," Keith replied.

Philip thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table, but the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating very difficult for him. Peas rolled off his fork onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law soon became very irritated with the mess.

"We must do something about grandfather," said his son. I've really had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and all that food on the floor!"

So, the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eyes as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little wooden bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up and you grow old." The four-year old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck his parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That very evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days, he ate every meal with his family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, a plate broken, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes every day that building blocks are being laid for the child's future. Let's be wise builders and role models for our children, our grandchildren, our friends' children, etc. Life is about people connecting with people and making a positive difference.

Take care of yourself, and those you love today and everyday

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday school, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad,

A friend of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Oh, be still, my heart," thought my friend, "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like fries with that?"

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent

10. The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl Scout cookies.

9. The average parent has at least two backup recipes for play-doh.

8. The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.

7. The average parent has prepared more than 10,000 servings of macaroni and cheese.

6. The average parent unconsciously hums at least three children's show theme songs a day.

5. The average parent can take construction paper, glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a delightful Thanksgiving centerpiece.

4. The average parent can produce from their pocket/purse at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and a Barbie shoe at any given time.

3. The average parent has at least one child induced stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.

2. The average parent secretly hopes that whoever thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.

1. The average parent knows that a suspiciously sweet, "Mommy, I love you" means," I have just decorated your new headboard/carpet/dress/suit with all your makeup."

Bathroom sign

Attention Children: The Bathroom Door is Closed (for a Reason!)

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken and I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

(signed) Mom

Five-year-old Katie and her three-year-old brother Benjamin were sitting together in church. Ben giggled, wiggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church, Ben."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" the little imp asked.

Katie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two big men standing by the door? They're the hushers."

Home is where the television is.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing, honey?" his mother asked.

"Well it says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the little blonde explained. "So, I'm looking for the seal."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The Lord warned Lot to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt."

His son asked, "Yes, but, Daddy, what happened to the flea?"

On the first day of school, the new Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room pipe out,

"How will that help?"

Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION- "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.

A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."

Needless to say, after a moment's silence, the whole restaurant burst into laughter.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" He asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A first grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each student in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them complete the saying. Here's what she came up with...

Two's Company, Three's...

The Musketeers.

It's Always Darkest Before...

Daylight Savings Time.

Strike While The...

Bug Is Close.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of...

Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But...

How?

Better Be Safe Than...

Punch A 5th Grader.

Don't Bite The Hand That...

Looks Dirty.

No News Is...

Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A...

Mister

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New...

Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll...

Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust..

An Idle Mind Is...

The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's...

Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who...

Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is...

Not Much.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The...

Pigs.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What...

You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And...

You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not...

Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You...

See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind...

Get Out Of The Way.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles way. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

In Sunday School, they were teaching how the Lord God created everything, including people. Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side, Mom... I think I'm going to have a wife."

I took my 4-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever

"Can people predict the future with cards?" Suzie asked Little Johnny.

"My mother can," said Johnny.

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."

It is an uneventful Saturday night. I am lying on the couch sleepily watching "Shock Theater" on the local TV station. I am just about to doze off, when I hear a noise outside. I tiptoe over to the window to check it out. I peek, see what causes the blood to freeze in my veins, and quickly make my way upstairs. It is what I have been dreading; they have come for me at last. I run from room to room like a man insane, looking anywhere for a place to hide. Maybe the attic. No, that will be one of the first places they will look. Hurry, hurry! Pick a place, a good place, and maybe I'll be safe after all.

I finally decide on the guest room. I go in, run to the closet and open the door so hard that it almost comes off its hinges! I close the door, get as far back in the closet as I can get, and cover myself with dirty clothes. I have a small chance if I can just stay quiet. Minutes drag by. I can hear them going from room to room. Oh, they are looking for me alright! There is no question about that. Quiet, quiet, I must remain as quiet as a mouse. I can feel my heart thudding in my ears. They will get to this room very soon.

My whole body feels cold and clammy. My clothes are drenched from the sweat. Will they be able to smell the fear radiating off my body like a cornered rat? Can I stand the suspense any longer.

Just now, I hear the guest room door open. They are in the room. Oh Lord, can I continue to keep quiet? I hear them walking around out there. Probably looking under the bed. Keep quiet, hold my breath! Don't dare breathe, they'll hear it. Stay focused, don't make a sound. Footsteps coming toward the closet. Hold on.

The closet door swings open! I hear it! I hold my breath! I hear clothes being moved on the hangers above me. Don't scream, hold on! Don't breathe, although my lungs ache so badly. Oh God, hang on for just a little longer. Maybe they won't....CAUGHT!!! They find me after all!! I feel their hands pull me out of my hiding place. I can't look at them, I keep my eyes closed tight. No use to see the horror that is to come.

Carried; I am being carried. The torture will come any minute, of course. There is no doubt of that. They are stripping me of my clothes now. I feel the air cooling the sweat on my body. They are lowering me into the warm liquid. I can stand it no longer. I open my eyes. The tears come freely. Through my blurred vision, I can barely make them out, but it is definitely THEM. It is all over. I have lost the game.

Mom and Dad laugh. The "Saturday Night Bath Ritual" has begun!

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,

"I'll have a gin...............................and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

As a new school Principal, Ms. Johnston was checking over her school on the first day. . .

Passing the stockroom, she was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school system where she had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Los Alamos Labs (prior to the hard disk scenario).

Cautiously, she asked the school's long time custodian, Mr. Jensen, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without written requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at her gravely... "Well, now, we trust 'em with the children, don't we?" he asked.

I hate it when I see one of those road signs that say, "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil.

A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes.

Police suspect ....................

A cereal killer!!!!

Words of Wisdom?

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

Clifton Fadiman had occasion to visit the kindergarten class of a highly progressive school attended by his son, Jonathan. The children were engaged in "rhythmic play," where they were following the lead of their teacher, an energetic young woman, who danced about the room clapping her hands in time to the music of a record player. The docile pupils straggled behind her in ragged fashion.

Later Fadiman drew his son aside and said, "I guess you have lots of fun doing that, don't you?"

The tot turned his face up to his father, and with resignation said, "No, we don't, but" ---pointing to the teacher--- "she does."

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Paw would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Paw won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Paw's going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is your dad? I haven't seen him lately."

"Well; under the wagon," replied Willis.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.

His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation his Mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a hunting' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

Science Class: What Kids Say

* - You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

* - There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

* - Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

* - Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

* - Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

* - One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

* - In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

* - Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

* - Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

* - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and hen forcing it through an aviator.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a SCARF!"

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. After tasting the coffee, secretly wished he would go and play. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"

"Why, yes we are", says the second.

Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"

"Yes, we are very poisonous."

The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really really poisonous?"

"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"

"I just bit my lip!!!"

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

It's graduation day at the elementary school in Los Angeles, and everybody's waiting to get their diplomas. Everybody but Little Johnny! At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Johnny graduate, let Johnny graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Johnny one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Johnny, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Johnny thought long and hard and then said "Ten."

Hearing the answer the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Johnny another chance, give Johnny another chance!"

A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped the man, and then left in a huff.

The little girl remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her."

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre.

She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Didn't you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"

A 5-year-old little girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."

The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.

"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.

"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.

"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:" And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun top stand up and yell than to set down and listen."

Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term from school with his report card. The report card has all D's and F's.

His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly not just him.

"But what about David down the street," they said, "he brought home all A's and B's"

"Well David is different." He retorted

"How so?" His father asked.

"'Cuz his parents are smart!"

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.

Jimmy and Johnny, panting and pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally reached the top of a long steep hill.

"Whew!" gasped Jimmy, "What a climb!"

"Sure was!" agreed Johnny. "If I hadn't kept the brake on, we'd have gone down backward."

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making contest."

To which the man replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while a dentist was examining her older sister. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.

Joe was sent to jail for 14 years. Not knowing what to do in prison he caught an ant and trained it. After 14 years of rigorous training the ant came out of prison with Joe.

Joe went straight to a restaurant and called the waiter. He wanted to show his "pet" to the waiter so he took the ant from his pocket and let it on the table. He asked the waiter, pointing at the ant, "What is this?". The waiter promptly reached out and killed the ant and replied, "I am sorry, sir".

Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

A daddy was listening to his little boy say his prayers one evening and was surprised as the little fella prayed, "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, Johnny, Why did you call God 'Harold'"? Johnny looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church, Daddy, you know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name."

Suzy had been misbehaving and was sent to her room. After a while she emerged and informed her mother that she had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Suzy. "I just asked Him to help you put up with me."

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?". "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been very, very hard to raise."

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity.

I just can't put it down.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

A young man hired as a manager trainee by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. Work from the front to the back."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, son. I didn't know that," said the manager...

"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

I'm a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.

He stopped and sat just out of arm's reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.

After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog's stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I'd been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Suzie came home from her first day at school.

Her Mother asked, "Well, honey what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess... They want me to come back tomorrow."

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

Todd had just received his driver's license. Proudly, the family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," Todd said, grinning happily at his old man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. They bring up the first woman, the brunette and the guard asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the guard shouts... Ready... Aim...!! And suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE". Everyone looks behind them and she runs off. So they bring up the redhead and ask if she has any last requests. She says no, so the guard shouts.... Ready... Aim....!! And suddenly she yells....."TORNADO" and everybody turns around and she runs off. Well, by then, the blonde had it figured out what to do. So they bring her up and she is asked if she has any last requests. She says no, so the guard turns and yells...... Ready.... Aim...!! and the blonde yells, "FIRE".

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

Bryant, a youngster about four years old, loved having ice cream after dinner every evening. He would sit on his mother's lap and have a small bowl for dessert. Unfortunately, he developed the habit of licking the bowl afterwards to "make sure he got it all". This went on for a while, much to his mother's chagrin. Finally, trying to tactfully hint that it was not such a great idea, she said, "You know, when I was your age, my mother said that licking my dish was a VERY impolite thing to do."

Bryant thought a minute, and then responded, "Well you can do it now if you like, because I don't mind at ALL!"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."

Wisdom for parents

Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.

Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Miss Hoppingworth was teaching her third grade class about plants. She started the lesson by telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Little Johnny jumped up and "Sure, Miss Hoppingworth, a 'collie' flower!"

Five and half year-old Jennie answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Oh, Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks straight up. Of course, that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

I little girl came home from school and said to her mother; "We learned how to make babies at school today." Mom, a bit surprised to hear that from her youngster, decided to get more information. "That's interesting," she said. "And just how do you make babies?" she inquired. "Well," Alex replied, "you change the 'y' to an 'i' and add 'es.'"

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."

The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."

A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."

"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.

"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Mother gave Billy 2 quarters. One was for his Sunday School offering. The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.

Billy was flipping one quarter in the air and catching it on the way down. This happened 8 times or so when all of a sudden Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.

Billy looked skyward and prayed, "Sorry, God."

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.

Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their Mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled at the youngsters. He then told the Father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."