"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the trainhad stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
"In a recent survey, 86 percent of college fraternity members admitted
that they've had at least five drinks in a row. The other 14 percent were out
cold."
--Conan O'Brien
"The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle...Unless, of course,
you die of something."
--Guindon cartoon caption
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement,Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.
The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw; ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my PET fish."
Pet Fish?"
"Ya. Avery nite I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'roun' for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into der ice chests and I takes dem home."
"That's a lot of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth ma fren, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish in the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
Well what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH".
"What fish?"
A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba?
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I
believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man
in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir,"
answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my pre shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me, but I was deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, looked back at the clubhouse, cupped my hands and shouted....
"Would the idiot in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second
shot!"
A carnival, which included a huckster with an elephant, was travelling through a small town. The huckster was offering people $100 if they could make the elephant nod its head up and down. Many people tried, but no one was successful. Finally, a small quiet individual appeared and timidly asked if he could try.
He promptly walked around the elephant and gave it a good swift kick in the backside. The elephant was so surprised, it jerked its head up and down. The little man pocketed his $100 and walked away.
The following year, the same carnival returned, with the same huckster and the same elephant. The huckster had decided to make sure he wouldn't lose any more money in this town, so he offered $500 to anyone who could make the elephant nod its head up and down, then shake it from side to side.
Again, many people tried. They pulled the elephant's ears, pulled its tail, tickeled it, etc., but no one was successful. Finally, the same little man appeared and asked if he could try. The huckster was so sure the deed was impossible that he readily agreed.
The little man walked around to the front of the elephant and looked it in the eye.
"Do you remember me?" he asked. The elephant vigorously nodded its head up and down.
"Do you want me to do that again?" he asked. The elephant quickly shook its head from side to side.
The little man pocketed his $500 and walked away, smiling.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordinance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo
Troop
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it! It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
10. Black Highlighter
9. Braille Driver's Manual
8. Clear Correction Fluid
7. Fake Rhinestones
6. Inflatable Dart Board
5. Mesh Umbrella
4. Motorcycle Air Conditioner
3. Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
2. Super-glue Post-it Notes
AND THE NUMBER ONE STUPID INVENTION?
1. The system that allows you to report power failures via the Internet
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting
him to swallow the pill!!!"
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If the professor on 'Gilligan's Island' can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician/Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if he is going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner show had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your a--?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park right next to the bike path and catch some shuteye. Small communities being friendly places, he did not know what he was in for...
Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a biker standing there, "Excuse me sir but can you give me the time?"
"Yeah, it's 6:15."
The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another biker.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir. Do you have the time?"
"Yeah. It's 6:26."
The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which simply read
"I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME"
He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat.
Then... yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another biker.
He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"
The jogger replied, "It's 6:34."
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No, I think my nail-biting is worse!" she replied, "Now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them too."
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly three hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's way too late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Great," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Keywords and their meanings.
1. FINE
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (with Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (without raised eyebrows)
This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH
Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH
One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your
best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
Scott is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?"
Scott sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.
Scott brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Scott continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Scott. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Scott. "View recede ten", Scott says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Scott.
"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $2,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $8,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $20,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.
Scott stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $20,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so...
Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Scott: "Here it is, right here and now, $20,000! Take it or leave it!"
Scott abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Scott after the stranger.
Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?"
Scott points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal.
"Don't forget your batteries."
The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies before."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's butt?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's butt."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though!"
-- A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
-- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
-- The little league puts you on waivers.
-- You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
-- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
-- Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked "Zurich".
-- Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
-- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
-- A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
-- Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
-- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
-- The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
-- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
-- There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
-- They pay your wages out of petty cash.
-- You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
-- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
Mother: "How's your research paper coming, hon?"
Daughter: "Well, my prof suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful."
Mother: "Really?"
Daughter: "Oh, yes, Mom! It's great... So far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
A friend of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Oh, be still, my heart," thought my friend, "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like fries with that?"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section of his spread through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of his bull.
On the way to the courthouse, the attorney cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take just half of what he was asking, in cash.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the money, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success...
"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won this case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. And the worst part is I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. . ."
The old rancher chuckled... "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was
a mite worried about winning that case myself, because durned if that ole bull
didn't come mosey-in' backhome this morning."
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. . .
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes toget the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop asks, "C'mon... What's up with this??"
The guy says, "Tonight I was the designated decoy."
3M and Goodyear: New company to be named m-m-m-Good
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company to be named Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company to be named Honey I'm Home
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company to be named Zip Audi Do-Da
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company to be named Poly Warner Cracker
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company to be named Deere Abi
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips, Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually
Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
-------------
How do you identify a bald eagle? All of his feathers are combed to one side.
-------------
Why don't men cook at home? No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
** Air Head Fired **
** Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft **
** Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board **
** Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy **
** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors **
** Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees **
** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half **
** Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge **
** New Vaccine May Contain Rabies **
** Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni **
** Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff **
** Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge **
** Steals Clock, Faces Time **
** New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group **
** Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead **
** Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing **
** Kids Make Nutritious Snacks **
** Deer Kill 17,000 **
** Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing **
** British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply **
** Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire **
Two's Company, Three's...
The Musketeers.
It's Always Darkest Before...
Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The...
Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of...
Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But...
How?
Better Be Safe Than...
Punch A 5th Grader.
Don't Bite The Hand That...
Looks Dirty.
No News Is...
Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A...
Mister
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New...
Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll...
Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust..
Me
An Idle Mind Is...
The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's...
Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who...
Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is...
Not Much.
The Pen Is Mightier Than The...
Pigs.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What...
You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And...
You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not...
Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed...
Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You...
See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind...
Get Out Of The Way.
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster,so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet.
But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD!"
Time stopped.......
The bear froze.......
The forest was silent............
Even the river stopped moving.
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT?
"AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
In Sunday School, they were teaching how the Lord God created everything, including people. Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side, Mom... I think I'm
going to have a wife."
Signs seen around the USA
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from women to politics to cooking.
"You know, I got a cookbook once," said Ben, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, right?" asked the Sam.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same darn way - I couldn't
get past it, 'Take a clean dish. . ."
The following are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates
a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and
U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
THINK ABOUT THIS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the HELL happened?
** During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
** The patient before you was a goat.
** The local bar association named him "client of the year."
** All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series".
** Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
** The 60 Minutes crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
** He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
** He has an assistant named Igor.
** You can beat him in a game of Operation.
** He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?