www.jdunman.com's Last 48 Jokes

Untitled Document I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine.

"Look Tom, I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

Untitled Document This guy loved living on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry...

See, if you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan; not a pleasant prospect.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But your timing's a little off... You should have waited a minute or two. We're just about to dock."

Untitled Document Called in for an audit, the young Mr. Hammer was confronted by a surly IRS agent.

"It says here, Mr. Hammer, that you are a bachelor yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."

Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Hammer replied, "Yes sir... it surely was."

Untitled Document Movie Critics...

Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food.

Suddenly one hears the other chewing.

"What did you find?" he asks.

"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'."

"And how is it?"

"Not bad... The book was better."

Untitled Document Middle age is...

~ having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

~ when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~ when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

~ when your doctor, not the police, caution you to slow down

Untitled Document Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, the first lawyer jams something in the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, the the first, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Untitled Document The Solution...

On the day of the duel, a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target.

Finally the thin man came up with a solution...

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, " and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count!"

Untitled Document My in-laws just returned from a wonderful trip to Alaska.

There they observed some Eskimos. On particularly frosty afternoon, two Eskimos sitting in a kayak lit a fire in the craft to warm up.

Of course it sank... proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Untitled Document Reflections on ageing...

~ We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.

~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...

~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac...

~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember a damn thing...

Untitled Document

Due to economic restraints...

Llight at end of tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

Untitled Document Word Play...

Tangent:
A man who spends a lot of time at the beach

Rubberneck:
What you do for your wife after she has had a stressful day

Gator-Aide:
Welfare for crocodiles

Liposuction:
Letting the fat out of the bag.

Locate:
Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.

Slow Down:
Feathers from the chest of a not-so-fast goose

Versatile:
Poetry on the roof.

Hunger:
What the posse did to the lady rustler

Untitled Document "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.

"Toast and juice," she replied.

Untitled Document A highly successful corporate attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. Lucille Willis, the head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," Lucille stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer. Bend over."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back! I have to get something."

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost 15 minutes, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What the heck is going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor chuckles, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a daffodil, anyway."

Untitled Document I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding. I found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it. So I asked the clerk, "Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?"

He said, "Sixty-five dollars."

I said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."

He said, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?"

Untitled Document If Attorney's had brains... or
Cross Examinations can be fun!

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Questions withdrawn...

Q: And the youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Now the defendent, did he kill you?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Untitled Document Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.

After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

"Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

Untitled Document At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English course.

The teacher invited him to write a formal letter of complaint to the principal.

I glanced at his letter to see how it was going.

His first sentence read, "Dear Principle, it is infair and unposible that I faled english."

Untitled Document Tortured metaphors from high school English papers...

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Untitled Document The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use...

So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone.

I noticed he was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't saying anything...

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone; just for minute... I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Just hold on, buddy!" he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

Untitled Document Avoid Shark Attacks this summer!

~ Always dive with a buddy. When shark approaches, point to buddy.

~ Never Leave Arkansas.

~ Roll in manure before diving.

~ Dive with a briefcase. Sharks may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy.

Untitled Document Life in a high tech society.

There was this guy who worked with a systems help desk for a big company...

One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why the heck her computer wouldn't come on.

He then asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

She says "Yes."

He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

She said "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?"

So, he goes and takes a look at her computer.

She says, "See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector."

The guy goes, "Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself."

Untitled Document A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.

Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:

"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."

Untitled Document Two ladies, who hadn't seen each other in quite some time, met at the supermarket. Here's the conversation...

"How are you, Colleen?"

"Fine."

"And your husband?"

"Oh, Marvin died three weeks ago."

"What! I'm so sorry, I hadn't heard. Whatever happened?"

"He went out in the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and fell over, dead."

"I'm sorry. What did you do?"

"I opened a package of snow peas instead."

Untitled Document Two ladies, who hadn't seen each other in quite some time, met at the supermarket.

"How are you, Colleen?"

"Fine."

"And your husband?"

"Oh, Marvin died three weeks ago."

"What! I'm so sorry, I hadn't heard. Whatever happened?"

"He went out in the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and fell over, dead."

"I'm sorry. What did you do?"

"Opened a package of snow peas instead."

Untitled Document A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked, "What are your rates?"

"$100.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Not at all," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Untitled Document Who Reads the Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Untitled Document "The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

~ Mosely N. Thyme

Untitled Document Quotes Of The Moment...

"The beatings will continue, until morale improves"
"They drank the cool-aid, from a fire-hose"
"Reality was an illusion... caused by a deficiency in alcohol"
"Life was meant to be easy, but free will creates complicated issues".
"Technology alone doesn't sell. We learned that lesson with WAP (Wireless Application Protocol) and GPRS (General Packet Radio Service). What the mobile industry needs to continue growing are compelling, easy-to-use and attractively priced services." -- Thomas Geitner, Vodaphone board member

Untitled Document An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky...

One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.

"Can't you DO something?" she demanded angrily.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not operations."

Untitled Document

Kids will teach you...

* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

* When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

Untitled Document After my wife and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, I asked her where one of my shirts was.

"Oh," said she, "So now you're speaking to me."

Somewhat confused, I asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" she challenged.

"Oh," said I, "I just thought we were getting along."

Untitled Document A married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest,"I had an affair with a woman........almost......"

The priest says,"What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

Now say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.....

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

Untitled Document Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ..I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Untitled Document Questions to ponder...

If my skin is constantly shedding, why won't my various scars and moles fall off?

If blinking only takes a fraction of a second, how are the majority of people able to capture someone doing it at least twice on a 24 picture roll of film?

How are children able to distinguish and disdain the taste of liver and spinach, but have no problem consuming soap, crayons, paste and playdough?

How come I don't feel the hundreds of red ants crawling on my feet until they are all assembled and give the "all bite" signal?

If spiderwebs are made by spiders, what makes cobwebs -- cobs?

Why are men put in charge of ships in an ocean, satellites in outerspace, and tanks in the desert, but they can't seem to find the ketchup bottle in the refrigerator?

Untitled Document A new miracle doctor just got in to town...

He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do.

Everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Thompson to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," says the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he's got the doctor stumped now, he waits as the doctor scratches his head, mumbles to himself a little, and tells Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Thompson fled the room!

Untitled Document A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed to his surprise that the table had been set with forks...

He asked the waiter, "Why don't you all use chopsticks?"

The waiter said, "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"Ah, very true," the waiter shot back, "but who will clean up all the mess?"

Untitled Document A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.

His mother said to him, "Now, Tommy, I know you love Ole Blue, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Patsy was here!"

Untitled Document Bernie and Louise had been married for 35 years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, "Bernie, is it true that the last two and half years of your marriage, you did not speak to Louise?"

With a nod, Bernie replies, "Yes, Your Honor, that is correct."

"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.

Bernie replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her your honor."

Untitled Document Jerry and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.

Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

The fire chief asked little Jerry, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

Jerry replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

Untitled Document During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer.

"Look, Father, I'll give you $500 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister five crisp $100 bills and walked away satisfied.

The day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the priest and hissed, "What the heck happened to our deal?"

The priest slipped the five $100 bills into his hand and whispered back, "I got a better offer!"

Untitled Document A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical.

The nurse starts with the basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"Oh, 'bout One-sixty-five." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale.

It turns out that his weight is 187.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Oh, 'bout six feet," he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches.

She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, durnit, I'm short and fat!"

Untitled Document You know you're getting older when...

~ You need your glasses... to find your teeth!

~ You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

~ Your little black book contains only names ending in "M.D."

~ You wake up feeling like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

~ You look forward to a nice quiet evening.

~ Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

~ The 'gleam in your eyes' is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

~ You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

~ All your children look middle aged.

~ A dripping faucet causes that uncontrollable bladder urge.

~ Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

~ You get winded playing chess.

~ Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

Untitled Document A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique..." began the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist,hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my younger sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry!"

Untitled Document College is a fountain of knowledge...
and students are there to drink.

Untitled Document Father O'Malley was saying his good byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Karen Mahoney came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, Karen, my dear?" inquired the good Father.

"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news" replied Karen.

"Well what is it, Karen?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Karen" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he had one Father," replied Karen.

"Sure, and what did he ask, Karen?"

Karen replied, "He said, 'Please! Karen, put down the gun...'.."

Untitled Document Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at most bowling alleys.

Yes, I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

Sign on Oriental Pet Store: "Buy wondog, get won flea..."

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Toilet", "Kaopectate", and "Peptobismol" in nine languages.

If I'm a nobody, and nobody is perfect, then... I am perfect.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the stupid idiot's.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I have learned there is little difference in wives, you might as well keep the first.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting underwear & socks for Christmas!

Untitled Document Factoids...

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Sure I earn a seven-figure salary... Sadly, there's a decimal point involved.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear my Mom's words of wisdom: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

We gave our son a hint... On his room door we put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Untitled Document A Diet may be in order when...

You can sell shade.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

You are diagnosed with a rare flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 34 more years to live.

You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

You discover you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You dance and it makes the band skip.

Your driver's license says, "Photo continued on other side."