Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "Hell... We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."
"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
"That's it! . . . I can never remember that word!!"
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."
--Jay Leno
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first.
It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence ... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time ... I haven't made the stupid porridge yet!!"
He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway.
"Careful .. CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my G~D!
You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my G~D!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them!
Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," the young mother said.
"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one...or consult a twelve year old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
---
Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!
---
What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball
---
What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
---
When is a turkey most like a ghost?
When it's a-gobblin'
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,
She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........"
Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
No one will overeat.
The smoke alarm was due for a test.
Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher
"A teacher!"
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!
Thanks A Lot...
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern........
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.
If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 5,000 people in the next 60 seconds,
a large bird will poop on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend
of a...etc...
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."
The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."
Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests
Thanks A Lot...
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern........
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
And the No. 1 reason of all . . .
God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that"
-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
--Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)
---
Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.
---
"My mom had a weekly court and we'd get tickets during the week. On Saturdays, my dad would be the judge and mom would be the prosecutor. We could state our case, but she was like MATLOCK - she always won!"
--MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE dad BRYAN CRANSTON recalls his own childhood.
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're
okay, then it's you.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children,so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning,with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet,he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
The teacher wrote, "July and August."
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -- then start worrying)
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 -- Women, 2 -- Fractions
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...who needs dinner?
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.
Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.
Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
"Why?" asked the woman
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Outstanding benefits package
-Health insurance
Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
Top notch communication skills
-Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
Secretary
-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
Executive secretary
-The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate
-We'll pay you whatever the we feel like
Salary negotiable
-We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary
-We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!
Competitive starting salary
-Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere
-A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere
-Zombie pod people
Self-starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Ground floor opportunity
-Crappy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important
-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K
Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."